As I'm writing this, I'm listening to Everywhere by Michelle Branch at my dining room table. I just started a new journal, made a cup of coffee, and decided to get down to business. I've already made breakfast, washed the dishes, showered, gotten around for the day, and started packing some of my belongings to move back to school. It's only noon. Usually, this is when I'm crawling out of bed for the day... but today, I feel different.
In the past few year, I've developed an "I don't care" attitude about a lot in my life. Following a breakup, I went from a happy-go-lucky kind of girl to a cynical, moody person who sometimes didn't even understand why people would want to be around me. Sure, I still had a lot of friends and I'd have my good days, but overall I was consumed with a melancholy "whatever" and continued on with life. I allowed myself to be used by friends, pretended to be someone I'm not just in the hopes of being accepted, and lost myself fully in the process. While doing this, I thought I was just finding myself. In a sense, I was. I was finding myself to be unhappy, lost, and confused. I didn't know what I wanted.
About a week ago, I was scrolling through some photos on my old laptop and I found this one: 
Here's a back story: I was goofing off with an ex-boyfriend at Walmart after begging him to take me so I could buy Sea Monkeys. I was laughing so hard and trying to chase him around while being blindfolded.
Laughing until I had tears in my eyes, I was so confused about where this Kara had went. It was August of 2015 when this photo was taken, and I finally realized, sitting on my bedroom floor that I had lost part of myself. December of 2015, my boyfriend and I had broken up and I thought I could never feel as sad as I did at that point in my life. I didn't laugh like I used to, my smile never reached my eyes, and I didn't want to be happy... I believed every cliche that you couldn't be happy alone. In the process of moving on from losing my relationship, I had let the sadness of my breakup consume me and I continued the cycle of negativity even after moving on from him. Looking at that picture, I knew I didn't want to be the sad Kara anymore. I wanted to be the silly, spontaneous, and adventurous Kara in the photo. This Kara loved to get around for the day, go on adventures, and laugh until she cramped up. I hadn't been that happy in forever.
While thinking about what sorts of New Years Resolutions to develop, I wasn't really sure of what I wanted to commit to. Yeah, I'd like to lose a few pounds, or take my makeup off every night before bed, or actually develop a bedtime, but I knew that these were little things I wouldn't actually keep up with throughout the year. After seeing this photos which I title "Lampshade Kara", all of it suddenly clicked. I am going to be that girl again.
I want to laugh and love and enjoy my life. I want to feel good about myself and the things I'm doing and everything surrounding me. Sure, a lot of things have changed since that picture was taken. The boyfriend had become an ex, my hair has changed color and length numerous times, I'm no longer an incoming senior in High School, but I can still be me.
So, here I am (declaring my desire to be happy on the internet, what else is a girl in 2017 supposed to do?). I'm committing to myself. I'm committing to writing, and taking photos, and smiling because I deserve to. 2017 is a new year with the same people, but it can be a whole new opportunity to be someone I want to be and trust me when I say I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of person I can be this year.
If you're looking for a few new ways to grow, I'd suggest breaking out a journal and getting some of your thoughts on paper. Here's a few of my journal entries:
Find something that allows you to explore your own thoughts and being, and let it become whatever you want it to be. A new year is a great time for a fresh start, but you can start your journey to self-discovery at any moment of your life.
