For as long as I can remember, I’ve received compliments on my maternal nature. I’ve always been the “mom” friend, and growing up as the oldest of three has put a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. It’s part of my personality to be the one who is keeping track of everyone, making sure everybody is accounted for and taken care of, and you can always count on me to have my purse fully stocked with baby wipes and bandages. It’s against my nature to not clean up a mess when I see one, and these are qualities that I pride myself on.

However, more often than not, my preparedness is recognized with comments such as, “You’ll be such a great mom, one day,” or “You’re going to make your husband very happy.”

Now, before I get into why I’m not a fan of these comments, let me state that I understand that the people saying them are not trying to be malicious. I appreciate the compliment that they’re trying to give me, but the way that it is phrased is inherently degrading.

First of all, these statements are both sexist and heterocentric. They assume that being a wife and a mother is something I would naturally aspire to be given that I’m a female, and they also assume that my dating pool is limited to males only (which it is not).

Second, there are ways to compliment certain aspects of my personality without being pandering. Instead of saying that I’m going to make my future husband happy after I’ve cooked something tasty, why not just say that I’m a good cook? Or say that I’m always looking out for those that I care about?

By choosing to address the future wife and/or mother in me, you are neglecting to acknowledge the positive attributes of myself as a person and instead focusing on how other people will benefit from me. You’re seeing me as someone’s wife or someone’s mother, not my own person.

Please do not misunderstand me. I think being a mother is one of the most important things you can ever do, and if I choose to become one, I can only hope that I’ll be half as good as my own. If I choose to get married, I hope that I will be a good partner to my spouse. I’m flattered that people think I will be these things, and I suppose I could take these “compliments” at face value and not make a big deal out of them, as I’m sure some people who are reading this will think I am. The point of this article is to raise awareness for the idea that women are more than just future wives and mothers. We can and will be so much more.