I would like to think that it will get easier. Missing you will get easier, knowing that you aren't coming back, reading our messages, thinking about you daily. Everyone says it will but it will just take time blah blah blah. We all know me i'm not the most patient person, but I don't want it to get easier I just want the pain to stop or be a little less painful. I want to be able to listen to that song that makes me think of you without crying while I'm singing it, I want to be able to look at my lock screen and smile without crying or holding back tears so no one asks whats wrong. The major one is, is that I want to be able to sit there and be thinking of you and not look so sad and start to think of that day because let me tell you I look very sad and the people that know me well they can definitely tell that i'm sad even when I was just smiling away like alway, me and that grin i always have when I'm up to no good.
I knew this wasn't going to be easy, trust me whats easy about losing your big brother but I find it hard to talk about my feelings to people so writing them is easier. It hard to explain to someone that don't know the full story how much your heart hurts and the ache you feel in your chest. I'm trying my best bubba, I'm trying my best to be okay, I'm trying my best but everyday its so damn hard. See we were all taught so many things growing up, how to tie our shoes, how to walk, how to ride or bikes, how to write and so on. But we were never taught or prepared on how to cope with losing someone so close to you. Someone who meant the world, someone that you needed by your side. Its just something we learn to deal with when it comes around.
I remember when we were kids and you always use to comfort me and hug me and tell me it was okay when I was crying. I wish you were here now telling me its gonna be okay, hugging me telling me to smile. I can't say that I'm not happy because I am happy I have some great people in my life that are helping me through this, but I still hurt and I know its okay to hurt but when does it hurt less? Because when I look at your babies it hurts because goodness do they look like you bubba. I just still wish there was more time that we got with you because i think we all needed it. All of this came to quick, I just never thought I'd start out the year with you and now ending it without you.
I hope you are watching over and you are happy with the way your babies are growing up. You are okay with how we are doing with them because I will do anything for them. It brightens my day when Aria comes running up to me saying "my shi" "my shi" she is like my mini me right now. Ramsey oh lord she is about to be a whole year old and still the happiest baby you will ever meet. Now your twin Connor he is hard headed and just like his daddy. They all miss you dearly. I hope and pray you are watching over them, protect them like crazy because I need them.
I just want you to know I miss you dearly. I know you probably know that because I say it everyday but I will continue letting you know that I do. I love you bubba to the moon and back forever and always.
Love your, sister ❤️
