I’m so tired of doorway friends. You know, those friends that seem to permanently stay in the doorway of your life deciding neither to stay nor to leave but walking in and out like it’s nothing. Some of them come back only when they need something, others just disappear and then come back expecting everything to be the same as they left it.

I’m tired of people who come to me when they need a friend but are gone when I need them. And what bothers me isn’t that they need me, I love being there for them, but sometimes I’m the one who needs a shoulder to lean on and they’ve only given me their backs as they walk away.

Doorway friends make me feel like I’m not good enough. Like I can try my hardest and still be lacking something. Like I’m the problem because why would they leave if it wasn’t because I did something wrong.

I know I can’t ask people to stay forever, nothing in the future is promised to us, but all I ask is that you try. If you want to leave, then go, but don’t keep me guessing. Don’t take advantage of the fact that you know I’ll let you back in to play your games.

Letting people actually go takes a lot out of me and when I’ve worked my way through the sadness and heartbreak of letting someone go, their return makes me nervous. I would love to welcome you back in, but in the back of my mind I wonder if letting you back in gives you permission to do as you please because I can easily drop my resolution to leave you out and give you permission to come back and lean in the doorway for a while.

What do you even want standing there? If it’s my genuine friendship then do come in, but don’t just stand there, blocking the door from those who might actually wish to come in. But I’m not here entirely to rant and rave and blame you.

I know I bring this upon myself. I allow you to stay in that doorway because closing the door on you feels too permanent. I’m terrified to let people go because I don’t want them to think I don’t care, that it doesn’t hurt and that I didn’t try hard enough.

My anxiety is as much a part of this as you are. All of you are cluttered in the doorway with it, looming, fading in and out, but never really permanently anywhere. I won’t force you to choose to stay or go. You also know I won’t shut that door, but when you leave why do it with such a sense of permanence that leaves me shattered?

I’ve been trying to work all this out, to understand it myself but I guess I’m just emotionally drained. I’m a creature of habit, I like routine and permanence and I can’t stand to see you in that doorway day in and day out unable to pull you in, unable to pull you out. I’m tired of your looming presence even when you’re gone. I’m tired of wondering if you’ll ever come back and, if you do, if you’ll stay. I’m tired of doorway friends.