When I was 18, I couldn’t wait to get to college. I spent the entire summer before counting down the days until I moved in, until I met new friends and could finally have the “college life” I had heard so much about. Of course, I had been subjected to all the stereotypes the movie industry shows us. As I’m sure many people do, I came to college with the expectation of wild parties, total freedom and the assumption that I was going to have the time of my life.

To an extent, all of those things came true. At my school, there is a huge party scene, with multiple social events held almost every night of the week. I jumped right in, ready to experience everything the social scene had to offer. I definitely thought myself invincible at the time, and it took me a while to realize that a party scene centered around how much jungle juice was available wasn’t necessarily the healthiest. I found myself often waking up (on a weekday, no less) feeling, for lack of a better word, crappy about whatever had happened the night before. This isn’t to say that I don’t love going out and having fun, but I’ve come to learn that in college, it’s really up to you to find the balance for yourself. Unlike all the years before, your parents and teachers aren’t there to monitor your behavior.

While I was really excited for the freedom college would bring, I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to rely on myself for basic day-to-day necessities. It was a huge wake-up call to be shopping at Walgreens and having to find the best deal on toilet paper. Total freedom wasn’t quite as glamorous as I had imagined it to be. The nights when the only thing in my pantry is soup makes me yearn for the comfort and ease of being at home.

The biggest thing I’ve learned, though, is that it’s really hard to try and forge your own path in college. It’s as if suddenly, you’re expected to just know what you want to do for a career. On top of this, you’re supposed to be able to manage school and friends while making sure you’re eating enough at the same time. When you’re surrounded by people who live for going out at night, how are you supposed to strike a balance?

I find myself often thinking about how ready I am to move on from college. I often think about how life might be different if I had attended college in New York City, as I had considered doing. Would my life feel more enriched or complete to have the Met to go to on a Saturday versus a frat party? Maybe, but something tells me that no matter where we are, there are going to be problems that we have to sort through, and there are going to be days when we wish we were somewhere else.

I definitely feel ready and anxious to begin my “adult life.” While I used to be excited for college parties, I can't wait for grown-up events like dinner and cocktail parties. I’m so excited to start a career, to make connections and feel like I’ve “made it.” But then I’m reminded of the person I was only a year and a half ago, eager to finally get to college and experience “college life.” It’s a curse to always be waiting for the next thing to happen.

I’m working on trying to not romanticize the idea that things would be better if I could just change X, Y or Z. If I could only just be somewhere else instead. At first I thought it was the feeling of being too “mature” for college, but now I’m realizing that I need to work on contentment and personal growth within the place in my life I’m in right now.