Sometimes it confuses people, "it" being my consistent desire to be alone. It's not for lack of friends or friendly acquaintances, but rather my own comfort. The only place I'm comfortable is in a familiar place when I'm completely alone. I can't explain it well, but it's like a heavy weight is lifted off my shoulders the minute I close the door behind me.
Even when I'm with people I care about, I'm still fidgety and constantly re-evaluating everything I say. The only people I can really relax around is my family, and even then, I know I could be more comfortable if I was alone in my bedroom.
I hate feeling this way, and I hate what it does to me even more. With the constant social anxiety pinging through my body, I tend to fall on opposite ends of a spectrum. Either I'm quiet and surly, fully engrossed in my phone or my laptop, or I'm excessively manic and annoyingly friendly in an attempt to be "outgoing" or "extroverted". I constantly slide up and down, from loud to quiet, and it makes it hard for me to know where I truly lie.
Because of this uncertainty in my own social skills, I'm hard to be around. For that, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that sometimes I'm an exhausting person who talks incessantly, and I'm sorry that sometimes I'm quiet and defensive. I'm sorry that I tend to take everything too seriously, too personally, and that I overreact on a regular basis. It makes the people around me uncomfortable and often causes me to terminate friendships before they have the chance to begin.
I wish I could say I'm working on myself, but it's hard to do when I can't control how I feel the moment I have the opportunity to apply any training I can practice to make conversations easier.
I'm sorry that I tend to rely on social lubricants when in a group setting, and I'm sorry that I consistently leave early. I'm sorry that the only thing I ever want to do is hang out and watch TV because that's the closest I can get to comfortable, even when I'm with my closest friends.
Sometimes I wonder why I don't get along with people. Then I remember the wild opposites to my personality, and it makes sense.
My social anxiety makes me hard to be around, and for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for those who I make uncomfortable. I'm sorry for my friends who wish I was more outgoing or active in making plans.
I'm sorry for myself because it gets really lonely when you're only ever comfortable being alone.
