It was the days when I thought this is the end. I thought the world I had known thus far was over. That was the issue. I thought that you were the world when you were only a small town. I thought you were the world, and to you, I was only a passing phase.
I don't give up, ever. Not on tasks, not on challenges and especially not on people. I never give up on people because I don't want people to give up on me. I am not in the business of denying myself the pleasure of loving somebody because of the tribulations of their lives; therefore, I stay. However, I do not stay where I am not wanted.
This self realization came so hard to me. It was not a big bang where everything came to make sense. It came very slowly at first. Then, it came dark, in the middle of the night when I realized I hadn't cried In a few weeks, and I knew that was the first step of giving up.
I didn't want to give up. I wanted to hold on with every shred of hope I could. There was nothing more I wanted than to share a lifetime with you. I fought hard, harder than you ever would. I fought because I believed this was for real, but when you realize that, too, it will be too late. You will realize it on a random summer day when somebody utters my name, and you will realize that yours is suppose to follow it, but it no longer does. Our names had followed each others for so long, it is weird to stand on its own. That's the thing about love. It doesn't just disappear or evaporate just because you want it to. It lives and thrives, even when you ignore it.
I had to give up because all I wanted was the darkness. I wanted to scream at everybody who was able to continue on in the circle of life, while I was stuck in the dark. I wanted to live in the cruelty of it all, but my soul wanted the sun to rise. I had to give up because I thought the sun wouldn't rise without you. To my dismay, the sun rose and set the exact same as it had before; it was my heart that wasn't allowing myself to see it, so I had to let you go.
Life is going to be different; it's never going to be the same when we're not living it together. As hard as that may seem to accept, you need to put your two feet on the floor and put one foot in front of the other. Even when I'm not there and time has passed, I need you to stay strong in your own convictions, just as you always have. Even when I can't be there, go outside on the first day of spring and feel the sun on your face and marvel in the lilacs. Go outside on the first snowfall and allow the snowflakes to hit your face and feel each moment as it passes. Enjoy life, and hold the memories dear. You are the sun. You are your own sun, as am I. You taught me that by giving up on me. You taught me so much by running in the opposite direction, and in my own roundabout way, I am thanking you. That is why I am sorry for having to leave, but I am doing it for myself because now I live for myself.
