I'm So Much More Than 'Pretty,' But 'Pretty' Always Defines Me

I'm So Much More Than 'Pretty,' But 'Pretty' Always Defines Me

is it just crazy to say that I want to be fired when I know I should be fired?

I really hate saying I admit that I am pretty.

But for this article, nothing will make sense unless I admit to it. I'm also the type of person who sees the beauty in literally anyone. I don't have a type when dating, which people are shocked by, because no one understands how I see some people attractive.

So 'pretty' is not a big deal to me, but to everyone else it is. I'm so much more than pretty, but pretty always defines me.

In high school, all the people I wished to be friends with always thought that since I am pretty, I must be a bitch. I must be judgmental, or I must have a bunch of guys lined up. I must spend hours on my makeup and hair and I probably used all my free time shopping and gossiping. The truth is, I spent 20 minutes tops on my makeup because I routinely did it everyday and I wake up super late. I have asian hair, that means it's literally straight on its own. I didn't have a lot of guys lined up whatsoever because I was more of a dude than all my guy friends anyway. And also, I wanted to be friends with theatre kids and the people that played video games in the game room during lunch. I loved admiring the emo-kids hair colors and makeup looks because I played with many hair colors and looked at makeup as art and listened to some of the same music myself. I was attracted to the really smart and nerdy guys, because they seemed clean and didn't care to be huge drinkers on the weekends. I liked guys who could think past looks and guys I can learn from. But since I was considered pretty in high school, it seemed like everyone avoided getting to know me. No one wanted to be "judged" by me, when they were the ones judging me. Only the people who knew me from earlier, like grade school, knew that I would talk to anyone and remained saying hey every so often. But I also got a sense that people would have believed I changed into someone else because I started getting more friends, because I was pretty.

In the work force, it honestly seems like I get hired because I am pretty. But I have zero confidence in myself in the work force, and most of the time I cannot comprehend tasks given to me. I know I frustrate some people, and maybe it's because they see me as a new inexperienced worker. But when I am given a task that has no challenges and am not helping the company or store whatsoever, why am I needed? What is this good for? I want to be taught, I want my head sunk in the water sometimes.

I want to be yelled at if I am doing something wrong, and... is it just crazy to say that I want to be fired when I know I should be fired?

In these years, my early 20s, I am starting to date for the first time because I've been in a 7-year relationship that I broke off. I've noticed that going to bars brings up some confidence, because I am pretty, but that's just it. I know the bar scene is ridiculous to even analyze, because it's busy and loud and guys need to really impress me to get my number and then move forward. So yeah, I understand I have to be pretty to them first. But I feel there's so much more to me, that I am too eager to share who I am to someone wanting to know me. So when going on these dates, I get excited per usual, and every date seems to be great, except one thing. Guys seem to not really want to get to know me. They want to impress me in all ways possible before that "let's call it a night" comes out of my mouth. So I basically find myself sitting there, listening to their stories while I get to be the one to finish all my food cause I am not talking. I am the only one asking questions because I genuinely want to know the person behind that face.

I'm not just your arm candy.

This is where I use writing on this site to express who I really am, because sometimes it just seems like all I am known for is being pretty. I wish to be known for more. It's kind of like, those darkest thoughts you think of when you wonder what people would say about you when you die. Will anyone know the real me? How much of a scatter-brained, deep thinking, awkward lonely dork I really am? And not just someone with a pretty face who must have her shit together who doesn't have any feelings?

I'm so much more than pretty, but pretty always defines me.

Cover Image Credit: Sharen Hau

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It's Time To Thank Your First Roommate

Not the horror story kind of roommate, but the one that was truly awesome.

Nostalgic feelings have recently caused me to reflect back on my freshman year of college. No other year of my life has been filled with more ups and downs, and highs and lows, than freshman year. Throughout all of the madness, one factor remained constant: my roommate. It is time to thank her for everything. These are only a few of the many reasons to do so, and this goes for roommates everywhere.

You have been through all the college "firsts" together.

If you think about it, your roommate was there through all of your first college experiences. The first day of orientation, wishing you luck on the first days of classes, the first night out, etc. That is something that can never be changed. You will always look back and think, "I remember my first day of college with ____."

You were even each other's first real college friend.

You were even each other's first real college friend.

Months before move-in day, you were already planning out what freshman year would be like. Whether you previously knew each other, met on Facebook, or arranged to meet in person before making any decisions, you made your first real college friend during that process.

SEE ALSO: 18 Signs You're A Little Too Comfortable With Your Best Friends

The transition from high school to college is not easy, but somehow you made it out on the other side.

It is no secret that transitioning from high school to college is difficult. No matter how excited you were to get away from home, reality hit at some point. Although some people are better at adjusting than others, at the times when you were not, your roommate was there to listen. You helped each other out, and made it through together.

Late night talks were never more real.

Remember the first week when we stayed up talking until 2:00 a.m. every night? Late night talks will never be more real than they were freshman year. There was so much to plan for, figure out, and hope for. Your roommate talked, listened, laughed, and cried right there with you until one of you stopped responding because sleep took over.

You saw each other at your absolute lowest.

It was difficult being away from home. It hurt watching relationships end and losing touch with your hometown friends. It was stressful trying to get in the swing of college level classes. Despite all of the above, your roommate saw, listened, and strengthened you.

...but you also saw each other during your highest highs.

After seeing each other during the lows, seeing each other during the highs was such a great feeling. Getting involved on campus, making new friends, and succeeding in classes are only a few of the many ways you have watched each other grow.

There was so much time to bond before the stresses of college would later take over.

Freshman year was not "easy," but looking back on it, it was more manageable than you thought at the time. College only gets busier the more the years go on, which means less free time. Freshman year you went to lunch, dinner, the gym, class, events, and everything else possible together. You had the chance to be each other's go-to before it got tough.

No matter what, you always bounced back to being inseparable.

Phases of not talking or seeing each other because of business and stress would come and go. Even though you physically grew apart, you did not grow apart as friends. When one of you was in a funk, as soon as it was over, you bounced right back. You and your freshman roommate were inseparable.

The "remember that one time, freshman year..." stories never end.

Looking back on freshman year together is one of my favorite times. There are so many stories you have made, which at the time seemed so small, that bring the biggest laughs today. You will always have those stories to share together.

SEE ALSO: 15 Things You Say To Your Roommates Before Going Out

The unspoken rule that no matter how far apart you grow, you are always there for each other.

It is sad to look back and realize everything that has changed since your freshman year days. You started college with a clean slate, and all you really had was each other. Even though you went separate ways, there is an unspoken rule that you are still always there for each other.

Your old dorm room is now filled with two freshmen trying to make it through their first year. They will never know all the memories that you made in that room, and how it used to be your home. You can only hope that they will have the relationship you had together to reflect on in the years to come.

Cover Image Credit: Katie Ward

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Dance Marathon Helped Me Understand What It Is That I Stand For

What do you stand for?


The weekend of March 1, 2019, I stood for over 20 hours for the kids. Yep, I am not lying.

Dance Marathon at FSU is a 40-hour event split into two shifts of 20 hours. My freshman year, I earned sit times throughout the marathon, which I was incredibly thankful for, but this year was something totally different. I was on the internal team this year, which means, I worked behind the scenes of Dance Marathon since September. Since I was on the internal team, I did not get the opportunity to get the set times that I did the year prior. I was worried about this because I was not sure if I would be able to do it.

Spoiler Alert! I did it.

There were many times during the marathon where I thought that I could not stand much longer, but then some thoughts came into my mind. Who was I standing for? I was standing for the kids who had to get their leg amputated because they had osteosarcoma and could no longer stand on both legs. I was standing for the kids who are bound to their hospital beds right at this very moment because they are not strong enough to walk on their own. I was standing for the children who needed me to help them win their fight.

This is what kept me standing. This motivated me so much that I did not complain once because I knew who I was doing it for, and I was not going to let them down.

There were multiple people who kept complaining. Every word out of their mouth was about how their feet hurt, or how they were so tired. A large part of me wanted to turn to them and tell them, "Do you know how tired Grayson was when he had to have his many rounds of chemotherapy when he was just one-year-old?" I did not say that to them because I realized something. I knew what and who I was standing for, but maybe they didn't. My goal this year is to help all of those people understand WHY they are doing it.

20 hours on your feet may seem like a long time, but to watch $2,210,165.21 go up at the end, nothing compares.

Like the musical group Fun. once sang, "What do I stand? What do I stand for?" To that, I say, "I stand for the kids."

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