"Dear head, shut up.
It's 3 a.m. and here you are again. Struggling to sleep while your past and everything that's happened to you races through your head. Pounding on the walls of your mind, pulling at your nerves and yelling at you the things you've locked away. Feels like another long night with no sleep.
You lay awake and think about the person you were, or still are. All the stupid fights, drunken nights and the bridges you burned along the way. You lay on your bed, sit on your couch, or chill on your roof and watch the stars feeling like you'll never escape that past. I'm here to tell you that you aren't that person. I am not that person.
"I put my past self in the ground, I've been dancing on that grave. I'm not the person that I was then, I'm tearing him away."
That excerpt is from "The Wonder Years" song "I Don't Like Who I Was Then." Go listen, I'll be here...
Powerful stuff, huh? You don't have to be that person you hate so much. That person who keeps you up at night. Like myself, you stay awake late into the night picking yourself apart over all your past transgressions, hating the person you've become. You can change, if you truly want to be better than you are and you can be better than you ever thought.
I was — and sometimes I still am — an awful person. I know it and I accept it. I've made mistakes. I've lied, I've burnt bridges and pushed those closest to me away. I've hurt people and I'm not proud of that. I've hurt myself, surrounded myself with bad people, and let everyone else down, including myself.
But I'll be damned if I'm ever that person again. I am not who I was then. I am better than that. I live with my mistakes. I wear a lot of them everyday. I've learned, I've grown, I'm getting better and I'm putting my all into it.
"But everyday since, I've been peeling away at this counterfeit skin that just got in the way. I can see my reflection and clearly can say, it's a pleasure to meet you again."
Sometimes we used to be a person we loved but along the way we become a person we don't even recognize. Those lyrics above, from Motion City Soundtracks "It's a Pleasure To Meet You" resonates that sentiment. That you can get better and be the person that you recognize. That person you miss being.
Listen, I'm not perfect. None of us are. I'm not saying I'm this Saint of person because I'm not. I know what I've done and how awful a lot of it was. I can never apologize enough for what I've done, but I mean that apology with every ounce of my being. I've got a lot of work to do to prove to everyone, including myself that I'm not the person that I was then. That I'm pulling away that awful, awful person to be the me I always knew I could be, that I'm sure everyone knows I can be.
It's not going to be easy. I came here looking for a fight with this. I'm going to get better. I'm going to leave the scars, the lies, the hurt all in the past and never look back. I've got a long way to go with this, "but I'll do whatever it takes, even if it kills me."
