I've always the type of person who wants to please everyone, no matter what the situation and no matter who it was. Sometimes I manage to dig myself a hole so deep that I can't get out and I don't know which way the exit is. I would try to schedule many things at a time to try to please as many people as I could. Most of the time it doesn't play in my favor as I find myself with a plate full of activities and work and I won't be able to make it to all of them at one time.
Accompanied by my intense need to please everyone is one common word that most people do use or should use on a regular basis: sorry. This word has become sort of a somewhat permanent part of my vocabulary and I use it more than I should. I say sorry when I accidentally bump into people, I do something completely uncalled for or wrong and when I get into difficult squabbles. You know the normal everyday stuff.
But I also use it for situations that I shouldn't need at all: when I tell someone my ideas, when I bump into inanimate objects or for my fidgety and sometimes shy nature.
Many people notice this reoccurring word in my vocabulary and some are quick to point out how annoying it is or how I don't need to say it all the time.
And you know what.
They're right.
I say sorry so much that I don't even know that I say it anymore and it needs to change.
My professor said something to me about it today and it got me thinking about why I find the urge to say it so often when a simple excuse me or any other words would do just as well.
I shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for my ideas or what I feel on the inside. If I'm frustrated with something or I really excited or really nervous, I shouldn't have to apologize for it. If people can't deal with my emotional roller coasters, then they might as well leave. Because I need people in my life who are willing to handle me at my best and my worst and I shouldn't have to apologize for it.
If I "fangirl" or freak out about a certain thing or subject that I find exciting I shouldn't have to apologize to friends or onlookers for loving something that I find enjoyable. If it's something that I find joy in such as video games, cosplay or anything else, I shouldn't have to apologize for liking it no matter how weird it is.
Last but not least, I shouldn't have to take that extra step and apologize for or to people who wouldn't even give me the time of day or who have publicly and rudely torn me apart piece by piece to make themselves look better. I shouldn't give them my extra piece when they wouldn't be willing to do the same thing for me and I should stop making excuses for those who have treated me like absolute shit in the past.
So enough of this! I'm done with apologizing so much and I want to change the way I think about and use the word 'sorry.' I just have to ask myself at the end of the day if I'm really sorry or not. Most of the time that answer is no, I'm really not sorry and that's OK.
From now on the only person I should have to apologize to is myself for having to put up with all of the crap that I have had to put up with in the past few years since I started feeling the need to apologize for everything.
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