As my birthday looms in the near future (Oct. 20, in case you were wondering), I am beginning to feel dread and terror bubble up inside of me.
It really hit me when I had the realization that I was going to “be in my twenties.” That phrase just makes it sound as if I’m entering a very adult stage of my life. I’m almost halfway finished with college, and the future of my adult life is quickly approaching! I’ve always had the perception that people in their twenties were supposed to have jobs, significant others, and concrete plans for their future. I have none of these.
What’s truly terrifying is that I don’t feel like an adult at all. There are many times when I feel like my life is, quite simply, a mess. I am often stressed and frazzled by trivial things, and the thought of adulthood beyond the safe halls of TCU is absolutely frightening. I still don’t know how to hold a conversation with an attractive boy, I don’t have a job or plans for grad school, and you should see me attempt to walk in heels.
Isn’t a 20-year-old supposed to have these types of things figured out?
As the impending day quickly approaches, I am realizing that turning 20 doesn’t mean I will magically understand the meaning and purpose of my existence. I won’t instantly pull my life together when the clock strikes midnight on my birthday. While I am entering into a new decade of my life that will undoubtedly bring changes, I know that I will still not have all the answers. I will continue to struggle with the challenges that life throws at me; but this also means that I will continue to grow and discover more about who I am as a person.
I am beginning to realize that getting older and entering my twenties doesn’t mean that I will suddenly have it all together. Life and aging is a process in which we continue to be shaped by the events and people we encounter, even if it is a little messy sometimes.
Do we ever stop learning, growing, and messing up? No. I’m sure that I will still feel like my life is a mess even when I’m eighty. Even though it may make for a more challenging life, I don’t ever want to allow myself to be too comfortable. Being completely complacent in life means that you aren’t challenging yourself enough. So even though we are told is crucial to have it all together all the time, maybe it isn’t so important.
While I wish that at the ripe old age of 20 I could consider myself old and wise, in the grand scheme of things, I am still so young. I must stop trying to label this time in my life as “adulthood” and expect that I must have everything figured out. I should instead go with the flow and accept the chaotic parts of my life. The chaotic parts of my life act as a way for me to continue to grow and figure out who I am.
So today I vow to embrace my 20th birthday and the years that lie ahead, even if the idea of the future is slightly terrifying. I will realize that the number of years that I have been on this Earth does not need to define my capacity for wisdom or my plans for the future. I will accept the fact that being in my twenties does not mean that I have it all figured out, and that’s okay.
Cheers to uncertainty and the beautiful mess that is life.
