I knew from an early age that I was definitely a significant deviation from the normal, just because the way I thought seemed kind of different. It's always been fascinating to see how people use the introvert/extrovert dichotomy and try their best to fit into such opposing terms. However, I don't think that any single person is simple enough to be described by such broad categories because for years I struggled with understanding which personality definition I fit better with no luck.
I was always good at making new friends but I found myself growing tired of people easily. At first, it felt like I was just not meeting the right kind of people, but as time passed, I figured the problem had to be me. It wasn't long before I realized the world isn't divided between the two terms and it has much more to do with whether you like going out or staying in. To describe the vastly variated human personality in such a shallow way is a gross injustice to every single person alive.
When I started to understand myself I realized that I am very different from everyone; but there's still a lot of people exactly like me. People like me, our brain just functions in another way altogether and we can clearly see the demarcation between us and the others. We see how they work, how they think, and it's hard to not wonder how it would be to be like that. For years, I was furious with the universe. It would make me angry because I wanted to be like the others. I was frustrated to the point that I couldn't be around anyone who wasn't like me because it would just make me really uncomfortable. Fortunately, after years of feeling like this, I got over it. I accepted who I am and understood that I would never be anything other than this kind of being.
I suffer from depression. I've been to therapy. I have been prescribed medication. I have tried everything in the textbook. I will not go so far as to denounce these remedies completely because they certainly had short-term effects on my mind. However, my brain is just wired this way and there's no changing it. I won't tell you that I'm happy with being like this. Despite the frequent romanticization of this condition by multiple industries, there's not a single interesting or beautiful thing about it. I am constantly anxious about being alive, unnecessarily aware of the futility of it all to the point where it makes it hard for me to sometimes do the simplest of tasks. I used to, and admittedly sometimes still try to achieve that feeling of satisfaction with myself by setting goals and trying to accomplish them thereby projecting my problems onto external activities of my life. Most times, I managed to convince myself halfway through that nothing mattered and I was wasting my time and even when I did manage to get achieve something, the feeling was underwhelming. After a point, it got clear to me that this feeling is ingrained in my very fiber and there's no changing it.
Over these past two years, I have learned so much about myself. Yes, I have a condition but I refuse to let that define my whole life anymore. It's my disability but it definitely isn't my entire identity. You see, when someone has a physical impairment, you can't expect them to try to behave and do things exactly like everyone else because that's just impossible for them. The same goes with mental health problems and instead of constantly trying to figure out a way to eliminate the disability, it's much easier to work around it. Human beings are magnificently resilient creatures and can adapt to unfavorable conditions very efficiently. I know that's something I am trying to do with my condition to the maximum of my capability.
Expecting yourself to magically transform into someone else is so unfair to all the other brilliant parts of you that are not defined by your mental disorder. I think a lot of people in similar situations put pressure on themselves to heal completely, but in reality, the sooner you stop fighting it, explore it and eventually accept it, you'll find that there's peace in it, too. It's not the same as happiness, but it comes pretty close.
