One of the worst parts about growing up is reminding yourself of what you used to be like. Have you ever looked at an old picture of your awkward middle school stages and thought "omg who told me this was cute?! Where were my friends? Oh wait, they dressed just like me. Yep, that sucked."

I was going through pictures on Facebook a few days ago and I saw a picture of myself in the 10th grade with the HORRIFIC outfit on and I immediately untagged myself in hopes that no one would ever see that embarrassing picture of me. But, sometimes, it's deeper than that. Sometimes, we have these constant reminders that trigger old habits and old feelings and put us in a negative head space.

I made a lot of mistakes back in the day (all 3 to 5 years ago, ha). Some of my biggest mistakes were made during my college years. I partied way too hard (sorry, mom and dad) and did not have any type of true focus in my life. I received my validation from people who only saw me as this person that even I didn’t recognize. I would go to places with the intent of being "noticed" especially by boys, and if I wasn't noticed, I almost didn't see myself as "pretty."

I put myself in situations where I was compromising who I really was as a person to please other people. I wanted people to “like” so badly that I changed. I burned bridges with friends, said things to people I couldn't take back and almost ruined my own reputation. I went to college as this happy, sweet, light-hearted girl but during my college years, I allowed myself to turn into this dark and twisted person I didn't know (not the good kind of dark twisted like Shonda Rhimes, but the bad kind like Britney Spears circa 2007).

To this day, I hardly go back to my old college campus or other places I visited during my college years because I'm nervous that those feelings will be triggered again by just being in that environment. I was (and I’ll admit, I still am) nervous to face my past life because I didn't want it to affect the new one I created for myself.

During my senior year in college, I rededicated my life to Jesus Christ and promised myself that I would live only to serve Him and fulfill the purpose that He has for me. I knew I had changed but everyone around me still saw me as “same ole crazy Lusty.” I knew that Jesus was changing my heart and my mind but I wanted everyone to see that. I tried so hard to prove to other people that I was a different person but sometimes all they saw was the old me.

Sometimes people would even bring up past experiences with me and would say something on the lines of “Lustra remember that time when you…” or if I tell them I’m “not about that life anymore,” they follow up with a “Yeah, okay sure you aren’t” and it almost makes you feel like you aren’t doing enough to show people how much you have changed. It felt as if I told my friends aspects about my life that I had changed and they didn’t believe me because of the life I lived before.

When I see certain people, go certain places or even think about certain events, the first thing comes to mind is “I was that person. How could I have do something that like? How could I have sunk so low that I wanted validation in that person? Why were you so dumb? Why did date him? Why on Earth did you ever think dating him would be okay? My God Lustra, do you realize what kind of person you use to be? You know could easily slip back into that if you’re around them, right?” And I felt awful and immediately shut down from everyone.

But the beauty of God’s love is that He loves us because we are imperfectly perfect.

He looks at us with the mindset of “Alright, what you did was bad…but let’s learn from it, apply those lessons to your future. And yes, I still love you.” That is unreal. God loves me so much that even when I make a complete fool of myself, he still finds a way to love me for who I am. I am a completely different person than I was when I left college. My lifestyle is different. My friends are different. My mindset is different.

But, sometimes, I look back at all the dumb things I did in undergrad and it makes me even more thankful that I made the choice to follow God. Now this was not an overnight thing. I spent two and a half years living in the past and making myself feel bad for the life I use to life. But a very wise friend told me “Nothing is going to be perfect but we can’t continue to live in the past. We have to move forward.” I still struggle with this idea but I have to keep reminding myself that I get my validation from Him, not man.

So my advice to you (and yes, I will be taking my own advice) is that the next time a person from your past tries to throw a mistake you made back in your face, whether it be an old boyfriend/girlfriend, old friend, parent or a pet llama, just remember these 3 mantras:

1. Mistakes do not define me, the lessons I learn define me.

2. The lessons I learned from my mistakes have helped shape me into a better person, therefore I do not regret that they happened.

3. Remember, you have changed and if people can only remind you of what you use to be, they do not deserve to know who you are now and who you are going to be.

Life sometimes sucks and that’s okay. We aren’t perfect and that’s okay. We are going to make mistakes and that’s even more okay. We cannot beat ourselves up because we are constantly reminding ourselves of what we use to be. God has a plan for each of us. Learn from the mistakes you made yesterday, but continue to live for today. You deserve to be happy.

And to the people who have constantly remind me of what I use to be, get to ready to talk about who I’m going to be. It’ll blow your mind.

God Speed,

Lustra <3