I yearn for what I can’t inquire. I picture your hands being gentle, your voice being raspy but sincere at 3 in the morning, your steps being easy to stride behind. But I watch from a distance. It is easier to picture things than replay them. I watch your Facebook posts where your democratic pride shows through. There’s an entire online world our society has created. I can get to know you without chancing actual heartbreak. You told me once maybe I just haven’t met the right guy. You’re right, I obviously haven’t. Except my hands are still tied by phantom limbs from the last not “right guy”. You could be the right guy but when I try to speak I choke on possibilities I can’t risk becoming realities. I don’t see love the way you do. If I did I could walk into class and do more than just smile at you from across the room. I could jokingly flirt with you the way you do with me when I can actually mutter up the words to speak to you. I don’t see crushes the way you do. I see the future past your scruff, tattoos, and sense of humor. I see the inevitable ending. I’ve programmed myself to shut it down before it even starts. The cliché reason is it keeps me from getting hurt. I’m not worried about me getting hurt though. I have a tough soul. I’m worried about what you would have to go through. You seem like the type to take on a challenge however this isn’t a hard math problem or fixing a machine at work or even rerouteing your way to school around an accident. There would be long nights, fights I can’t explain, unnecessary and excessive sorrys. No one wants to be the one that comes after the worst. I would rather hold onto being fake in love with you. I would rather day dream and build up a fantasy because as A Cinderella Story says “sometimes fantasy is better than reality.” In a few weeks the chance of my fantasy love becoming a reality love ends. I’m not unnerved by that. I’m actually relieved. As of now, there are opportunities for me to muck up those twenty seconds of courage We Bought a Zoo tells me is the only thing I need. When those weeks end, you become one of my should’ves. I can hold onto what Andy Warhol said best… “Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attraction is between two opposites that never meet.” Cheers to all the things we’ll never do together, to all the insides jokes our stomachs never hurt from laughing at, to all the pointless spontaneous road trips ending in crappy motels and waffle house meals. Thank you for letting me be fake in love with you. I’ll probably forget you in time but for the moment, for right now my fantasy of you is exactly what I’ve needed.
