I said, “I'm tired.” All you said was, “I'm sorry.” It had not always worked this way. You used to ask me what I was tired of, but you never asked me if I was tired of you. Perhaps, you thought I could never grow tired of you; and if that is what you thought, you would be correct.
However, to understand you would need to ask the question, “How is it you are tired of everything but me?”
What I would say to you would be simple but complex. I would not just come out and say how I feel about you, that I loved you with my entire soul and heart. It simply would be that my life without you would be miserable at best.
I would say, “You make me feel alive.”
That would be followed by, “I will never get tired of you, no matter if you keep me up 48 hours just to see how tired I get. But it will not be that kind of tired that I feel on a everyday basis. It would be the kind of tired sleep can fix. You could run me in and out of bars all night, till I puke. I would get tired of the situation because alcohol was not my choice of poison, it was you. I could drown in everything that you had, like how you drowned yourself in alcohol every night after work. We could run a marathon, and if I stumbled on the 25 mile, and pass out. I will be tired, but not of you. Not of the motivation that you gave me to run in the first place. When you spoke about going out at 10, while I was already in my pajamas, I lit up and put clothes on. With you I was not tired. I was alive, but these last few months, we barely speak.”
You do not chase me out of bed in morning like you used to. You do not peek around the corner and make a face at me, when you see me eating your leftovers.
You got tired of me.
Which I understand how the same routine gets tiring, but you are my person. I looked at you again and said, “Does love not factor in this anymore?” I thought, did he fall out of love with the way I did things? Or was it, he did not love me anymore?
You looked at me with those batty eyes, I grew to love and you spoke, “Am I your one? Am I the person you need and want for the rest of your life? Is that who I am to you?”
I felt my heart stop beating, because the words you spoke meant love was not a factor in what we had anymore.
I wanted to say, “Yes, you are my everything. You make me feel like there is a light that is burning deep inside of me, keeping me warm, on my coldest days,” but my mouth did not move, my throat felt like it was going to cave in. Tears filled my eyes, you started to get up. I hoped it was to hug me, but it was not. You walked into our bedroom, I heard you speak, “She doesn't love me. She is tired of me. Do I not make her happy? I am so tired of this.”
I wanted to run into the room and hug you, but I could not. Everything inside of my body shattered, and I was tired. I watched you leave our apartment that day. I have slept alone ever since. I wish you would have asked me that morning what I was tired of, and if I was tired of you because I miss you.
