A note before I begin: I put “nice guy” in quotes because I’m not talking about guys who are genuinely nice with no motive. I’m talking about guys who are “nice” for the purpose of getting in a girl’s pants -- which is not nice. It’s predatory.

It’s simple, right? When it comes to dating and sex, it’s yes or no. You’re interested or you’re not. It’s consent or it’s not.

But sometimes it’s not all in black and white. Sometimes, if someone is pushed enough, a 'no' can turn into a 'maybe,' which can turn into a 'yes.' And these are just some of the situations that can change it.

Situation: You’re alone at his house and you’ve told him “no” several times. You try to get up but he tightens his arms around you and continues to push his lips and his body against yours. You’re afraid that if you struggle, he'll become more forceful than he already is.

Situation: You’ve already said no but he’s pushing you. You’re still deciding how you feel about him but he talks you into it because he “really cares about you and really thinks you’re cool,” he “wants to please you” and thinks “you deserve it.” “I’m a ‘nice guy.' Give me a chance.”

Situation: You’re way more drunk than he is and he’s kissing you. You aren’t entirely in control of your body; you can’t focus or think straight. You don't understand what's going on, and you don’t have the self-awareness to fight it.

Here’s the real, hard truth: you can be a "nice guy" and still not get the girl.

These are all gray areas. Sadly, these have all happened to me. To this day, I’m not sure if I meant yes when I said it (or simply allowed it), or if it would have still been a “yes” if I hadn’t been pushed so much. All this from Tinder, an app that’s meant to be all in good fun. Maybe just a nice coffee or dinner, a hookup, or a relationship of some sort. All of which you have the right to say no to at any time. Simple, right?

It should be, except for the fact that some men know they can get their way if they’re persistent enough. This is a lesson taught in media everywhere. It’s called rape culture, and here are some examples of it in movies. See what the author says of number 4, Tyler Perry’s “Temptation”: “Is it wrong that when Judith repeatedly says no, Harley continues trying to seduce her? That isn't enthusiastic consent; it's not consent at all. But it's still celebrated as the modern-day equivalent of "wooing," also known as "wearing the woman down until she has no [other] choice than to say yes." The answer to the question is yes, it is wrong. But movies like this are everywhere. They are in every genre, and begin as early as kid’s movies. And they teach men that if you continue to push for sex, whether the person you’re pursuing wants it or not, your hard work and patience will be paid off. And it teaches women that this kind of attention is something desirable and even sexy. But it’s not sexy at all; it’s actually very scary. Here’s the real, hard truth: you can be a nice guy and still not get the girl.

I think some men don’t understand that a woman is not a prize. You don’t “put in” so she’ll “put out.” That’s not how sex works. You can buy her dinner and drinks, you can lavish her with chocolates and gifts, but at the end of the day, she can take all of that and still walk away.

I know there are decent men out there. But there’s also a lot of men like this out there, and sometimes it’s really hard to tell which man you’ll end up with on your date.

I know the reflex reaction is to call her a bitch. How dare she take a free dinner, how dare she “manipulate” a guy out of his money for a few drinks? How selfish, how wrong of her. But the thing is, nine times out of ten, she didn’t ask for the man to pay for her, he just offered to pay for it himself. And some men think that it puts them in a position of power and as a result, they are owed something (i.e. sex).

I have another real, hard truth for these men: a woman never owes you sex, no matter how much money you’ve spent on her. She’s not a bitch for taking a free dinner and walking away from you. And if you think free dinner equals sex, you'd have better luck with a prostitute. I know there are decent men out there. But there’s also a lot of men like this out there, and sometimes it’s really hard to tell which man you’ll end up with on your date.

I told him no. And every time I gave him a reason, he would invalidate it.

Here’s another example of rape culture at work: I almost went over to a stranger’s house at two in the morning the other day. I’d never met this guy before, and he insisted that we were not going to have sex, just hang out. This is something I would ordinarily never do, because I know what happens to some women when they do this -- they end up dead in a ditch somewhere.

I told him no. And every time I gave him a reason, he would invalidate it. When I said I was tired, he offered to make me tea when I got to his house. When I said I didn’t want to go over to someone’s house I had never met before, he insisted that he lived with his family and that it was safe. When I said I had work in the morning, he promised I would get back home at a decent hour. Every reason I gave him, he had an answer to, and I almost caved. I was writing down his address to my parents so that they knew where I last was before I realized the danger of the situation. I realized that killers, rapists, and other predators are usually smooth-talkers who are very good at getting what they want. And I told him, if you can’t respect my “no” right now, how do I know you’ll respect it later? And he insisted he wasn’t that kind of guy, but tried to guilt me into coming over anyway. The only thing I could do at that point was ignore him because he obviously didn’t care what I had to say. He texted me the next day and I never replied.

I see this a lot on Tinder. The very persistent ones who try to push for meeting up when the conversation has obviously died. The ones who text three days after I’ve sent them my last message, the ones who send multiple texts when I continue to not reply. Who hunt me down on Facebook, friend request me, and try to send me messages.

Sometimes I’ll experiment to see if they’ll be that kind of guy. Sometimes I’ll wait two hours to respond to a text, just to see what happens. And I’ve had men freak out on me.

“Where’d you go?”
“Are you there?”
“Why aren’t you talking to me?”
Even, “You must hate me.” This message in particular I was sent after I fell asleep talking to someone when it was four in the morning.

It’s always your doubt against his certainty.

So, I’m always scared. I’m scared to meet up with people, because you never know who will try to talk their way into your pants, who will give you drinks until you say yes, or who will try to put something in your drink so you don’t have a chance to say no.

If you’re wondering at this point why I don’t have any backbone, why women simply “allow” this, I would like to direct you to this lovely book.

Ever wonder where the term “mansplaining” came from? Rebecca Solnit wrote a book called “Men Explain Things To Me,” which came out in 2014. Here’s a small preview of it. I won’t get into too much detail about it as I think you should read it for yourself, but her story about the party and Mr. Very Important really hits home for me. “[The silencing of women] trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation just as it exercises men's unsupported overconfidence.”

The heart of the argument she makes is that we, as women, are trained to doubt ourselves. Men, in converse, are trained in confidence -- whether or not they’re actually right. This fundamental difference affects all arenas in life. It affects workplace relationships, it affects friendships. And it affects behavior in sex and relationships. It’s always your doubt against his certainty. “It’ll be the best sex you’ve ever had” against your “I’m not in the mood.” But your mood can be changed, right?

There’s nothing more thrilling than a woman you can never have, right? Men think “no” can become “yes” if they just talk to women for long enough. Because we live in a culture that encourages men to “chase” women, and calls the pursuit of women “the thrill of the chase.” It seems like everyone forgets that that phrase comes from a hunting term, “the thrill of the hunt,” and at the end of the hunt, the pursued animal ends up dead.

You can try to use your intuition, you can try to guess who people are before you meet them, but when you’re dating and you’re a woman, sometimes you don’t know until long after the fact -- until it’s too late.