Only after turning down the final road that would lead me to my spring break destination, a 100-acre self-sufficient farm in the Kentucky mountains, that the stupidity of what I was subjecting myself to finally knocked itself over my head.
I have jobs to apply for, graduating friends I need to spend time with, and, most importantly to me, a new relationship to breathe life into. I met this person barely two weeks ago, hardly long enough to not be strangers, though a tiny voice in my mind speaks hope into my ears about this one. It convinces me this is one to hang on to, that there's something interesting at work and I need to follow these feelings that I haven't had in so long.
But, here I am, traveling 300 miles into a literal dead zone (my cell service effectively cut off a mile out) to eat, to walk, to sleep alone in an unfamiliar (and cold) place, and, looking back, that's exactly how I needed it to be. There's no better time to reaffirm your values, skills, know-how, and grit than to take off right at the cusp of a game-changing relationship with another person.
Too often, I believe our identities are based off only who we think our partners are or what a relationship with them has the potential to be, and we're all too eager to forget ourselves to please them.
In a new, exciting relationship, my default state of mind is to merge our identities, and I devolve into a creature who craves my partner's presence as much as possible, and (unsuccessfully) fight the desire to reach out to them constantly.
I am not saying these attributes are bad on their own, I'm sure healthy relationships can all start out like this, but I do want to point them out in my self-observation that with the addition of one new person, why does my whole outlook on life need to do a 180? Why do I suddenly become so dependent on this poor person when I haven't done anything to "earn" them?
Meeting someone new isn't like applying for a job that I can research and study for weeks, dress the part, craft a resume for, and eventually walk away with a salary and dental plan written into the contract. It's a great, rewarding thing that two people build, yet I felt willing to throw away all of my independence and personal progress just because I was excited. This is how I knew that distancing myself from it for a small set of time, was essential for me to remember what I was capable of.
Whether you've been single for a short period or much longer, I urge you to take a day off.
When you're establishing yourself for a partner who you know, you're going to keep for the long-haul, after the first couple dates have been established and a connection has been made, go out and do something just daring enough that you're reminded of your capabilities. While any time would work here, I would say to do this in the early stages of your relationship if you can, after traction has been set, but nothing is in motion quite yet.
Relationships are placed on such an unfair pedestal in society, which I believe contributes to our intense motivation to throw out the self-actualized progress made while single, to throw yourself at your partner. Once again, the desire to do this isn't the enemy here, what is is catching yourself before you let yourself go.
So, let yourself feel good things, let yourself enjoy and revel in a new start to something exciting, fresh, and beautiful. However, for as much as I want to constantly be in touch with my partner, and will let even prolonged pauses between texts stress me out, I have the memory of that I can yelling at the noises of things bumping into my tent at 4:30 in the morning. No matter how reliant or hapless I allow myself to be, I know that strength is still there, and I know what I bring to the table.
