1. Sit on my owner's face to wake them up.

And bite their feet while they're asleep. Wake up, mommy! It's feeding time!

2. Cuddle with my owner for hours.

Until they have to go to work. Why do you leave me every day?

3. Lick myself while making direct eye contact with my human.

Trying to make it as awkward as possible.

4. Demand extra food by acting like I haven’t eaten in years.

I didn't just eat five minutes ago... what are you talking about... Please?

5. Get upset with the water bowl and fling it across the room.

Just making a mess to make more work for my human!

6. Knock over any object in my way, especially anything breakable.

Try to break as many things as possible. This upsets humans. But I am so cute, they do not reprimand me. Pro tip: if it's on the table, it belongs on the floor. Knock over everything in sight.

7. Crap outside the litter box.

Why go in the litter box when you can go outside the litter box? Clean my poop, human!

8. Stare at my owner for an extended amount of time for no reason.

This helps me to assert my dominance as king of this castle.

9. Spend my free time planning my human’s timely death.

I am the alpha.

10. Karate kick and fight all stuffed animals in my path.

This is Sparta!

11. Play with tissue paper at 3 in the morning when I know very well that everyone is sleeping.

The middle of the night is the best time to make as much noise as possible. This includes running from one end of the house to the other at top speed for absolutely no reason. Bonus points for slamming into doors.

12. Cut off my owner wherever she’s walking, especially when she going down the stairs.

Wherever you go, I must also go.

13. Greet my owner at the door every day when she comes home, then meow for food until fed.

Welcome home, human! Feed me please.

I would pretty much do everything my pet already does! And I love every moment of it …