I’m turning 21 soon. Exciting right? I go to a great school and I love my major. I have a great job where I’m making more than enough money to help pay for my school and still have enough to save for some fun now and for future adventures. I have the greatest friends who are always there for me through the good times and the bad. I have a nice house. A car. A full closet of clothes. I’m never hungry. And most importantly I have the most supportive family in the entire world that loves me unconditionally even when I give them a hard time. And trust me, lately, I have been giving them nothing but that.

I know I have a very solid foundation to have a good life in my future, but I honestly don’t feel like I’m going to make it there. It’s my own fault too. I have no confidence or love in myself. Deep down I’m not happy. I’m frustrated, stressed out, freaking out over every single little thing, I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’ve been broken, torn down, shredded, bullied, heartbroken, betrayed, and manipulated for a long time. 2017 was one of the hardest years of my life that just crowned the other past years leading up to such a self-downfall where I don’t even know if a “New Year” in 2018 can fix all the damage that has been done. I’m scared for it. I don’t want anything else to happen to me so I keep living in my past and keep reliving all the things that have hurt me in my head. 2018 already started off with a big blow to my heart and I don’t know if I can come back from the feeling of defeat it’s left upon me. If I could go back to one single instance in 2017 and change it, I would because I know that I would not be in the depressed state of mind that I am in today because of it. They always say everything happens for a reason and that one day you’ll look back and say you’d do it all over again and change nothing. I don’t’ believe in that because I’d kill to change the situation I allowed to happen that’s gotten me to a point where I look back and I ask, "How did I get here?" And I ask now, "Where am I going?"

Nowhere. Honestly that’s how I feel. I’m going nowhere.

To me it means nothing. It means nothing that I get good grades. Better than good. Straight A’s actually… IN COLLEGE. It means nothing to me that I’m excelling in my major where I’ve been told multiple times that I’m the most natural in it. It means nothing to me that I have money. I hate my job. It keeps me tired, my coworkers talk about me behind my back, I don’t feel included, I’m made fun of, I’m afraid to speak because everything I say gets thrown back in my face like I’m an incompetent, anxious being, and I feel like I’m the only one left out of everything. Not like I’m not used to not being part of the popular groups. But I’m good at my job. I get regulars in very often who come back just to have me, and customers always compliment me on how I seem to be the only one always working. And this job did help me come out of my shell a bit. It started out really great, but now I’m just apprehensive to go in sometimes because certain things just haven’t changed and I feel like it’s only contributed more to how small I feel. It means nothing to me that I have friends who have been there for me for as long as I can remember because lately, I feel like I’m a burden on them. Or I feel bad that I purposely ignore or cancel plans simply because I’d rather lie in bed. It means nothing to me that I have parents who love me and a brother who looks up to me because I never feel good enough for them. That I’m just going to let them down. They’ve seen most everything I’ve been and gone through and it breaks my heart more that they no longer see that strong, badass, will-call-you-out-and-stand-up-for-herself-and-others-with-no-hesitation, beast of a daughter they once had. And this transition happened so fast. Unexpectedly. For no reason. And out of nowhere. Where I’m going.

God, I am such a millennial.

I believe that nothing ever good happens to me when in reality I have more than just the basics of living. I just feel that the world has no balances and its injustices upon me have led me to feel the way I do about myself and my life. And again I really do believe I wouldn’t feel this drastically if I just didn’t let this one thing happen. This one thing that I allowed my caring, vulnerable self to let back in and help. One thing. One person. One person I allowed to reshape every bone in my body, every ounce of power that I had, and everything I once was and believed in. For the first time in my life, I’m scared. I’ve backed down to challenges. I’ve run away. I’ve stopped believing in God’s plan for me because I’ve been getting nothing. Nothing is coming my way and I’m going nowhere. But life can’t stop living and I have no choice but to keep going (and not in a motivational way). I’ll still get my A’s, I’ll still go out with my friends, still go to work and put my customers first.

Hopefully life’s millstones–like me turning 21–will be as fulfilling as they claim to be, and I’ll keep putting on a fake happy smile until I learn again what that really feels like. Until then, when things start changing and going my way more in the ways I want it to… my bags are still packed and I’m on the first flight, first class ticket to nowhere.