Dad,

Life isn't the same without you. These last few years haven't been our best, though there was never a day you didn't cross my mind. Now, there will never be a day I don't think think “I wish I could talk to you." Without you, I find myself questioning things I normally wouldn't. I find myself thinking of things I want to tell you. I work my ass off in hopes it will bring you back somehow. Though, I know nothing can change what has happened. However, I know what I would say if I could go back just a couple months.

First, I'd tell you I love you. I'd come visit you down at Jenni and Aaron's. We would roughhouse, someone would yell at us because they're afraid you'll hurt me. But I'll always keep going until you twist my arm back and I tap. I'd fall asleep on your shoulder, just like I would during our late night game sessions, in the Jeep, in the deer blind, wherever, because you know how easily I fall asleep. I'd ask you to take me to the gun range, even though I know we wont go. I'd ask to go fishing, maybe hunting if I feel like I can sit still long enough. I'd tell you about my car accident and you'd tell me about your many. I'd call you Sparta and we would laugh about the name orgin. I may tell you about my crazy days in stephenville.

But what I'd tell you now is I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of the fighting. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. I'm sorry you felt so alone. I'd apologize for not swallowing my pride and calling you on Father's Day, maybe it would've saved you. I'd beg you to hold on a little longer, and be strong for me. God knows how much I need you now. If I could talk to you one more time, I'd tell you how hard I'm struggling to do basic things. Getting out of bed, eating, taking care of myself, it all seems so draining knowing whatever happens I'll never be able to tell you. I'd tell you how broken I was when you called that day.. hearing the sorrow in your voice and knowing those next 48 hours would be torturous.. I'd tell you how hard I cried when you hung up, how much I shook and felt earth shatter around me. How my legs gave out and I hit my knees and wailed, begging you to call me back. I'd tell you that all I wanted was to bring you home.. how I had made plans to live with you until you we're okay.. I'd tell you how I lied to our cousins about where I was going that night to search for you.. they told me to stay out but I couldn't risk missing you.. I drove for hours searching for you with Deana.. I looked everywhere.. I even called Corey for backup.. we searched your favorite hunting spots, behind the house where Tucker was buried, and the hotel one more time, just in case. I'd tell you all I wanted was you home..

Dad, I took my time with you for granted. I always thought we would rekindle, and things would be okay. I thought you'd walk me and my sisters down the isle. I thought you'd meet your grandchildren when I decided I was ready to be a mom. I thought I'd have so many more adventures with you. I'm so sorry I didn't make the time I had with you better than it was. Beyond anything, im sorry I couldn’t save you, and you felt the need to do what you did.. I’m sorry..

If I could talk to you one more time.. I’d tell you I love you..

Love, your baby girl.