If you are anything like me, you are driven by your emotions. But I wouldn't say my feelings are directly correlated to my actions, I would put it this way: my actions are inspired by my emotions. Even on my worst days, I will "fake it till I make it." And of course, in this day and age, no one will listen to you if you're sad so you might as well be happy. So I put on my front and I do my conventional duties:
- Get up and go to class
- Go to my internship job
- Go to my paid job
- Go to the gym
And repeat. Every day I find myself doing the same four-to-five major tasks, with small differences within each day but overall, my life has turned into a routine. "Stay busy," a reminder to get my mind off of the confusion that my heart has turned into.
One night, I was waiting outside the Chipotle on campus and found myself standing right next to a homeless woman. I asked her how she got on the streets and she told me her boyfriend didn't hold up his part on rent and they lost their apartment. She hasn't seen him since their eviction. Her mother died in a car accident years ago and her father abandoned her as a child. I ended up buying her some chips and guacamole.
One morning I woke up at 6 a.m. and could not fall back asleep. If I laid in bed, my thoughts would just drive me crazy. So I decided to throw on some clothes and go on a morning run down Park Ave. Everyone was still asleep or just getting up. And for first time ever, I got to experience the quaint atmosphere of the city. No cars on the road, no students on their way, and the only movement was the pattern of the street lights - green, yellow, red. A rare and peaceful moment, I thought, which I got to witness.
It was a late walk home back from the library, and I ran into a contemporary dance group. I know we've all walked by and stared, but this night I decided to stop and ask what they were doing it for. Their answer was "just to ease stress". I thought it was interesting; random people on VCU's campus just meet together in the middle of the night and dance. It makes them feel better. It made me start to think about the things I do to feel better and promised to do it more often.
There is a purpose to all of these random excepts of my life.
I realized that because I am currently going through one of the most confusing stages of my life, I subconsciously try so hard to understand. I want to understand other people, understand how or why things are the way they are. I do things I typically wouldn't do - like getting to know a homeless person. My actions are inspired by my emotions. I find myself working harder, and for longer hours, I don't sleep much, and when I'm awake I pay all of my attention to other people so I don't have to think about myself. It makes me think; maybe having a sad heart isn't as harmful as I thought it'd be. If everyone lived like they had a sad heart, they would work 10 times harder to be happy and make others happy. We should all strive for that.
