If Drinks Were People, Who Would They Be?
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If Drinks Were People, Who Would They Be?

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If Drinks Were People, Who Would They Be?

If you read my last article, “ What Your Starbucks Order Says About You", you may have noticed that I gave a personality description based on your coffee beverage of choice. But maybe you don’t drink coffee (Satan), maybe you don’t get the same drink every time (flake), or maybe I just didn’t list your half-caf triple-shot soy latte with a caramel drizzle (brat). Regardless, I figured that for those who are not as well-versed in the coffee lingo, I’d give a college student’s real beverage of choice a try. See below to figure out what your Saturday night go-to would be like if it were a person.

DISCLAIMER: This in no way encourages alcohol consumption in persons under the age of 21. This article is simply meant for comedic purposes and perpetuates the negative stereotype that each of these beverages has. It is not written with the intention of knocking anyone’s personality based on their drink choices. If you or someone you know is made uncomfortable with this article, please do not hesitate to contact me at 1-800-SRY-NOT-SRY.

Vodka Soda
Description: The vodka soda is probably getting her nails done right now and having serious FOMO about the party she missed last weekend because she had to go on a family vacay to Miami. She reads BetchesLoveThis.com articles religiously, and she somehow manages to actually look good after a workout. But don’t underestimate her just because she enjoys cuticle care. Get the vodka soda mad and she can do some damage. Trust me, you don’t want to be on her bad side. 
Human incarnation: Elle Woods, Legally Blonde. 
Catch phrase: “Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.” 

Hamm’s Special Light 
Description: The doucher of the frat scene. Hamm's Special Light thinks he’s so cool because everyone buys him and drinks him, but in all reality, he’s just easy and cheap. It is kind of admirable how Hamm’s can be so terrible and yet still have an extremely loyal following. He doesn’t quite get that he actually tastes like cat piss and will be thrown to the side as soon as another, cheaper and probably even more disgusting beer finds its way to the watering hole and into the livers of so many unsuspecting college students. 
Human incarnation: The love child of Tucker Max, author of “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” and David Hasselhoff, who actually nicknamed himself “The Hoff” (‘nuff said).
Catch phrase: “Make me a sandwich.” 

Wine 
Description: Wine is tired of dealing with her four obnoxious children and always having to compete with every other type of wine. She goes to the gym religiously to maintain her famous “legs” (pun intended), and she likes to relax with her best friends, cheese and Advil, after a long and stressful day. Her classy nature attracts all the guys, and she’s usually more upscale than most other beverages. However if she comes in a box, as she often does on college campuses, beware. The night could end in a lot of tears and the following morning is guaranteed to be even worse, as wine will leave you will the most awful headache you might ever experience. 
Human incarnation: Olivia Pope, Scandal. 
Catch phrase: “I will get enormous pleasure out of hitting you over the head with an axe tomorrow morning.” 

Fireball whiskey 
Description: At first, fireball’s spicy personality and lower alcohol content kept the ladies coming back for more. But fireball doesn’t taste as good coming up as he did going down. One fight can create such a wall between you two that you can’t even be around him without wanting to vomit. After a while, he’s like that guy you used to hook up with who you just want to get away from, but keeps showing up everywhere you go. And when you try to explain to people he’s actually not as cool as everyone thinks, they say you’re crazy... until they’ve had enough of him, too. Then he’s just the guy who used to be cool and now everyone just finds annoying and completely irrelevant...but he somehow doesn’t get the hint and still tries to make his way into every conversation. He probably uses phrases like “swaggy” and “winning” in a non-ironic fashion because he actually thinks they’re cool. Like, Fireball, YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US! 
Human incarnation: Nicholas Cage, in real life. 
Catch phrase: “[Fire]ball so hard mother [expletive]s wanna fine me.”--except not.

Rum & coke
Description: Honestly, rum & coke is kind of boring. He wants to branch out to the martini, but he’s not pretentious enough to hold a martini glass without scoffing at how ridiculous he looks and thinking about how he’s basically drinking straight vodka (vom), so he sticks with what he knows. Rum & coke likes to keep things simple because he’s lazy, but still wants to get drunk without trying anything else and/or is not well-versed enough in alcoholic beverages to know the names of anything else. He probably tips exactly 18% at every meal and talks a little slowly, so he unintentionally irritates everyone around him. He’ll always be the responsible one who has two drinks, gets a little tipsy and then stops to take care of everyone else. It’s okay, we all need that friend. But the poor guy will never get past the friend zone because no one wants to date a deadbeat. He also probably can’t make a decision to save his life.
Human incarnation: Jim Halpert, The Office. 
Catch phrase: “I don’t care. What do you want to do?” 

Tequila shot 
Description: The tequila shot enjoys attention from being that drunk girl at the party. She is the one clogging up your Facebook news feed on a Sunday morning, and she looks absolutely blasted in all of her photos. She thinks the solution to a hangover is to drink more, and she’s not kidding. She probably passed out sometime around 11 and tomorrow she will find salt all over her body, wondering where it came from. When she lets loose, she just lets a little too loose, and most of the time it ends up not working out too well for her. She definitely knows how to have fun, but at the end of the night, she’ll probably end up in Hamm’s cooler (if you know what I mean), and try to pretend none of it happened the next day. She’ll swear she’ll never go near tequila again, but once the lime and salt are broken out at the bar, all bets are off. 
Human incarnation: Tila Tequila...duh. 
Catch phrase: In the eloquent words of Ke$ha, “Dance till your pants come off, party till the break of dawn.” 


Scotch 
Description: You might find scotch hanging out with the boys, playing some poker and ‘suiting up.’ He is never without shoe shiner, listerine breath strips and a few magnum condoms. He could also probably go on a golf outing with your grandfather and they would quickly become best friends. Scotch is the one boyfriend your dad always wishes you’d married, and every time he brings him up, you roll your eyes whilst secretly missing his suave personality, his enticing cologne and his probably luscious hair. He might be a little full of himself, but he sure goes down smooth.
Human incarnation: Ron Burgundy, Anchorman. 
Catch phrase: “Stay classy, San Diego.”

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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