Upon a visit to the treacherous realm of a local ice skating rink, one is gobsmacked at the magnificent beings who move effortlessly among we Ice-Waddlers, the Ice-Lieges; our feeble existence as the lower class skaters merely clinging to the edge of the world, the Wall of Protection, so that we may retain our dignity and avoid becoming one of those poor souls that are victim of The Fall.

The nature of those champions of the ice -- the esteemed dwellers of the slippery region known as the Ice Lands -- are still a mystery to many; the ones we only know as the Ice-Lieges and the Guardians. Many know the importance of maintaining one's Balance, the fundamental entity that powers the strongest of skaters, but many do not comprehend the distinctions between the skaters they see.

I will detail the unique development of one's existence as a skater -- from birth to bloom -- as one explores the frozen grounds of the Ice Lands. I will detail the determination of one's journey from the edges of the world to the Centre and then explain how one can eventually join the superior upper class of skaters. Here are the stages all skaters go through upon entering the Ice Lands:

1. Initial stage: Wall-Child

Maybe it has been a while since your last visit to the slippery realm, or it is your first time experiencing it, but that ice rink’s wall -- The Wall of Protection -- is your best friend. It is your support as you make your way as a newborn Skate-Baby, keeping you going as you slowly clamber onto the frozen surface. Do not fret and feel self-conscious; half of your fellow Skate-Baby brethren there are doing the same. But, perhaps you will encounter some maturation: after a while, you may find that some of your fellow Wall-Siblings are moving at too slow a pace for your masterful speed. Perhaps then it is time to move on.

2. Growing as a human being: becoming an Ice-Waddler.

You’ve matured, and it’s time to leave the nest -- the comfort of your elongated home. You step from the side, your fellow Wall-Siblings watching in awe as you begin to move independently. Like a butterfly, but with skates, you grow into a beautiful Ice-Waddler, and in turn a skater. To the magnificent Ice-Lieges -- those who mostly thrive in the middle of the skating rink -- you are still a mere baby; waddling is something they left behind a long time ago. But you continue, perhaps returning to your side-home occasionally to regain some of your stamina, but you may progress a lot faster than the other Wall-Children...even if that means randomly barging in front of them for wall-comfort every now and then.

3. Experiencing the constant dread of contracting The Fall.

Following the guidance of Guardians or Ice-Lieges will prevent you from contracting the infection, but one must avoid Fallers at all costs! Mostly the youngest of your fellow Skate-Siblings, the Fallers face a constant battle within themselves in order to maintain Balance on the Ice Lands, jiggling frantically as they fight the evil forces of their ailment (gravity) as it causes them to meet the frozen grounds. Some will be plagued with it -- remaining ongoing victims -- but some cure themselves and either remain Ice-Waddlers or evolve and become elite Ice-Lieges that have learned to halt their movement without guidance from the Wall of Protection.

4. Avoiding the Scooters: the notorious Faller class.

The Scooters are an advanced class of Fallers -- typically younger Skaters that struggle to maintain Balance in the Ice Lands but fail to let this stop them from feeling like they're achieving. Their vehicles tend to be in the shape of penguins or walkers and represent their established nature among the Fallers. At times, a Scooter may be joined by Fallers or even the occasional Ice-Waddler, these classes briefly holding on for a brief dose of Balance. You may find yourself having to do this at times, but fret not: the Ice Lands is a tempestuous place, and such moves are understandable. But do not stay connected to others for too long. You must learn to be self-sufficient if you wish to survive.

5. Joining the Center-People.

On your journey to becoming a master of Balance, you must join the Center-People. This class includes those who have evolved to become advanced Ice-Waddlers or Ice-Lieges, now finding their home in the rink’s Center; maintaining a strong Balance, very rarely finding it drained. Such a plague of The Fall is mostly a result of the occasional stray Scooter or Faller who interferes with their determined skate-way.

6. Becoming an Ice-Liege.

Surpassing Center-Personhood opens many doors of opportunity in the Ice Lands. So I have been told, this superior class has the ability to explore all locations in the Ice Lands, joining other classes in their journey, but mostly zipping past them in a display of their incredible Balance. To become one will take many visits to this volatile, slippery realm, but enough time and practice in maintaining one’s Balance will ensure that one eventually joins this class. Watch how these beautiful creatures ensure they stay upright, and do not fall victim to the land's fearful disease, and you will be on your way to obtaining this magnificent skill.

7. Final Evolution: Guardian of the Ice Lands.

Perhaps such incredible ability is not enough for one's exploration of the slippery realm. There exist few of these souls in the rink, but they stand out in their bright uniforms. Also known as skating marshals in some circles, the Guardians exist to protect the Balance of the Ice Lands by offering guidance to those who desperately need it, be it a Faller or even a Liege that may be in trouble. They are Ice-Lieges, but have used their abilities to protect wanderers of the Ice Lands.

Lo, I hope my information has benefited you in your understanding of ice skating lore. I remain an Ice-Waddler, but I have been known to enter the Centre every now and then, just to experience how it feels to be one of the superior ice gliders. Perhaps one day I will wholly succeed: perhaps one day I will learn to stop myself without contracting The Fall or learn to do that thing where you jump and spin around and then land again. One day, perhaps. One day.