From the time I was born I remember feeling depressed and alone and I could never understand why. I have a good life, my parents are together and happy, they may not give me everything but they give more than enough, and they love me. Sounds like a good life, right? So why was I always depressed?
To this day I still do not understand why I go into depressive episodes but I usually know what they are about. For as long as I can remember I have been the "loner" girl, the third wheel, the invisible friend. Constantly alone, if I'm not alone, I was the third wheel or I was just invisible.
I've never understood why I was that person because I constantly try and give those I love everything they want. If a friend couldn't afford dinner, I bought it. My friend's birthday, I made sure they got something, even if it wasn't much. A friend was having a bad day, I did everything to make them smile and laugh. The list goes on and on, so why have I never been given the same back?
Every friend group I was in, this was my role and soon I learned to just accept it. I accepted that I was nothing important and that I didn't matter. Eventually I believed this enough that I began contemplating suicide, and eventually attempted. Obviously, it didn't work and no one, not even my parents, ever knew until years later when I began to open up about it.
From then I kept fighting with myself and found every flaw imaginable, fat, not girly enough, weird, annoying, obnoxious, stupid, etc. I still fight these feelings and flaws today. They key to that sentence is this, "I still fight". I have tried to stop giving into the voices in my head and listen to the real world.
I was an anti-depressants for a while until I realized that they did nothing for me unless I did something for me. Every self-help idea to cure depression, you can bet I've probably tried it. Some work and some don't. Now, was it as simple as deciding that I was going to get better? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Every day I fight to keep my head above water, some days I don't win, but I keep trying.
I still have my bad days where I feel invisible, depressed, alone, unimportant, and like I'm drowning. I have my days where I want to be alone and shut out the world. I have my days where I think of suicide. I have my days where I feel like there is no hope for me.
The difference between now and then, is that now I want to fight. I want to fight off every bad feeling I have. I want to stick around and see my future play out. I have friends that, even though I don't always feel it, I know they would drop everything if I needed them too. I have people around me that constantly build me up and push me to be the best I can be.
If I would tell my old self all the things I have accomplished since then, she would probably laugh at me. Sometimes I look back and I can't even imagine how I have gotten to where I am today. Today I am so much stronger and happier. I have a love for life that I never did before. I rescued myself from drowning and continue to do so and that will be my accomplishment of a lifetime.
