My mom basically believed that if you raised your kid in church then they are bound to grow up to be good people. That's what churches advertise right? Bring you kids and Jesus will save them from the devil! Anyway, during high-school I really started getting involved. Student Leader in youth, joined the worship team, went to summer camp, winter jam, all that. Eventually by senior year I was interning under my senior pastor's wife. By that time, I was starting to apply to college. Knowing my science and math grades weren't going to let me into vet school, I applied to a Christian University.

Well I got in, and the fall of 2015 it all started. I loved my classes, going to chapel every Thursday, my roommates, working church services every Sunday. It was long days and nights, but I thought that "Hey I was servicing the Lord and building the kingdom" and I was but I wasn't building or servicing my relationship with God. After my first trip home was when things started getting harder. My mom, while I was at college had been diagnosed with a heart condition and intrauterine cancer. That was a hard blow to recover from. I tried to do what every religious person does when they get hard news. Hold onto my faith. But mine very little at this point and I was mad at God. Here I was building the kingdom and he was letting Satan kill my mother. I went back to school and didn't even give half my energy, I did the bare minimum. I just wanted to be home and not at school where everyone was praising God for being so good. Long story short I left.

After 3 months of dealing with personal stuff and not going to church or praying to God (we were on a break up and I was still mad.) I decided to go back to church. My home church. The people there are my family and they've helped me grow up all these years. So it was easy to get back into the rhythm of things. I even decided to make amends with God. After really feeling secure in my life, I decided to apply for an internship at my church. I was basically the guinea pig for it. At first it was really fun but as it progressed I realized how little I was secure in my relationship with Jesus and how much I hated that I had to act like someone else in church. When you work for the church, you put yourself in a glass house for everyone to look at you. Oh and you better not mess up, and if you do, fix it and make it sound like Jesus came in and did a divine intervention. I didn't like the position I put myself in, so I pushed back. Away from the church, and away from God.

First things first, I did this to myself, I had the amazing support of everyone around me and I disappointed all of them. Second, God comes first. I should have worked on a true and good relationship with him before I decided to be an example for everyone else. To quote my amazing youth pastor "Don't just assume you and Jesus are good, you need to ask him. and if you have to ask him it usually means you and Jesus aren't good." Third, you can never be a "cookie cutter" Christian. Many people may look like they have a perfect life and God is pouring blessing upon blessing on them. But you don't know what demons have attached to them, what sacrifices they have made. Social media only shows the pretty, don't compare yourself to their pretty, made up face-book post. Fourth, Pray. Read your bible. Go to church. Build a strong, healthy relationship with Jesus and you do you. Final thing, it's been two years and I still don't have a perfect relationship with God. We are forever working with each other. I lose a lot of battles and learn from my mistakes. But I know who I am in Christ and I'm working on how to further my relationship with him. Because I want all the plans he has for me.