I Want to be Happy Again
Start writing a post
Health Wellness

I Want to be Happy Again

28

I want to die, but it's not that I want to kill myself, it's that I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the pain that the universe decided I needed. The stress and the heartache that always seems to come my way is now unbearable. I'm tired of the sleepless nights caused by my own thoughts and the tears that keep building up. I'm tired of having panic attacks during school because I keep having flashbacks from ten years ago. I am being destroyed mentally, I can no longer handle the pain and the stress that keeps piling up. My brain hurts from thinking so much about what could have been. My heart hurts from letting people constantly walk all over me. I want to get behind the steering wheel and let myself fall asleep. I'm tired of being tired. I want to die, but it's not what you think.

I want to die, but it's not that I want my life to end, it's that I want my suffering to end. I'm sick of watching my tears drop from my chin and form a puddle on my bathroom floor. I want the depression that keeps getting worse to end. I want to be able to have motivation. But the word "motivation" is no longer in my vocabulary. I want to be able to brush my hair and my teeth without getting exhausted. I want the simple tasks to stop being so hard. I want the hardest part of my day to become the easiest. I want to be able to fall asleep at night without crying. I want to be able to go out with my friends because I want to, not because I feel obligated to. I want to die, but it's not what you think.

I want to die, but it's not that I want to quit breathing, it's that I want to be happy again. I want to be who I was six months ago, before I let my depression get the best of me yet again. I am tired of letting the weight of my own thoughts slowly crush me. I want this part of me to die, but that's not how it works. So when I say "I want to die," I don't want you to worry, I just want you to know that I won't be myself for months. So please be patient with me, don't get angry when I struggle to do something. And I'm begging you, please don't leave me, I need you the most.

I want to die, but it's not that I want to be six feet under, it's that I want to feel alive again.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

Ford Cars That We Love

There's a good chance we've all driven a Ford or spent a lot of time at Ford, but what are some of the best cars they've ever made?

29427
Ford Cars That We Love
Photo by Jessy Smith on Unsplash

There are arguably few bigger automakers than Ford. They are a company that shaped the auto industry as we know it today and with a solid reputation in the industry, our wide range of Ford leases has always been a popular choice among drivers.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Prose: One Call

What if you had one call, but you could not say anything other than what you were told to say? In this short excerpt, Bethany finds herself at odds with her jailers and with the one she was told to call, the one she loves. What would you do when the conversation takes a turn off script?

20971
Prose: One Call
https://unsplash.com/s/photos/jail

With each incessant numbing ring of the phone call, I could feel the betrayal coiling around me like the phone line, squeezing me tighter.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

'Hotel Transylvania: Transformania' Film Review

Solid animation can't raise the newest entry in Sony's colorful monster series beyond the basics

82546
'Hotel Transylvania: Transformania' Film Review
Photo Credit: Amazon Prime Video – YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6suJohjIvfo

I take a slight issue with the idea that Adam Sandler didn’t have a good dramatic role until ‘Uncut Gems,’ what about ‘Hotel Transylvania’ (he says semi-seriously)?’

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

4 Common Reasons Couples Get Divorced

Are some people just not meant to be together? Is there any way to prevent an impending divorce?

99821
4 Common Reasons Couples Get Divorced

We've all heard the statistics. Roughly 50% of married couples eventually end up divorced. This can lead to complications, problems with your children, financial issues, and no small amount of negative emotions.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

​Pets are Good for the Soul

Millions of Americans have found comfort in pet ownership. The media has been awash with stories about a surge in pet ownership, as Americans have taken advantage of the ability of pets to improve emotional well-being.

88354
Good for the Soul
Pets are Good for the Soul

America is going through a mental health crisis. This crisis predates the global pandemic, but has in many ways been dramatically exacerbated by it. In 2019, 19.86% of adults, or 50 million Americans, reported suffering from a mental illness. The emotional toll of the pandemic has been heavy, with over half of U.S. adults saying that they have experienced stress and worry related to Covid-19. Anxieties over work, uncertainty about the future and other triggers have intensified the mental health crisis. Millions of Americans have found comfort in pet ownership. The media has been awash with stories about a surge in pet ownership, as Americans have taken advantage of the ability of pets to improve emotional well-being.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments