I Want to be Happy Again | The Odyssey Online
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Health Wellness

I Want to be Happy Again

Erika Jensen
Apr 09, 2019
41

I want to die, but it's not that I want to kill myself, it's that I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the pain that the universe decided I needed. The stress and the heartache that always seems to come my way is now unbearable. I'm tired of the sleepless nights caused by my own thoughts and the tears that keep building up. I'm tired of having panic attacks during school because I keep having flashbacks from ten years ago. I am being destroyed mentally, I can no longer handle the pain and the stress that keeps piling up. My brain hurts from thinking so much about what could have been. My heart hurts from letting people constantly walk all over me. I want to get behind the steering wheel and let myself fall asleep. I'm tired of being tired. I want to die, but it's not what you think.

I want to die, but it's not that I want my life to end, it's that I want my suffering to end. I'm sick of watching my tears drop from my chin and form a puddle on my bathroom floor. I want the depression that keeps getting worse to end. I want to be able to have motivation. But the word "motivation" is no longer in my vocabulary. I want to be able to brush my hair and my teeth without getting exhausted. I want the simple tasks to stop being so hard. I want the hardest part of my day to become the easiest. I want to be able to fall asleep at night without crying. I want to be able to go out with my friends because I want to, not because I feel obligated to. I want to die, but it's not what you think.

I want to die, but it's not that I want to quit breathing, it's that I want to be happy again. I want to be who I was six months ago, before I let my depression get the best of me yet again. I am tired of letting the weight of my own thoughts slowly crush me. I want this part of me to die, but that's not how it works. So when I say "I want to die," I don't want you to worry, I just want you to know that I won't be myself for months. So please be patient with me, don't get angry when I struggle to do something. And I'm begging you, please don't leave me, I need you the most.

I want to die, but it's not that I want to be six feet under, it's that I want to feel alive again.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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