We were so young when we crossed paths. That tiny detail should have made it easier for me to pretend that what we had was something I can brush aside as childish. But that detail made it harder for me to do so. When you're young, you are your most real and genuine self. You knew me when I was a blank canvas. Nothing too bad had happened to me yet, and I opened my heart up as if I had never been hurt because I hadn't. Although I was always guarded, this version of me that you knew was my most open, innocent, and authentic self. I was full of light and love because I didn't know any better. This version of me will never come back.
The quotes on my explore page on Instagram always scare me. When I read them I always feel like they are talking to me about you. They say that if you can't go a day without thinking about someone, or if your time apart was forced, then that person belongs in your life. Then they also say, if he wanted to be with you he would have already – now go love yourself. I think the saddest thing I had to do, was to force myself to believe that despite everything you said, you didn't actually care about me. That I shouldn't keep catering to your feelings, because the general public would agree that you are just using me when you're down and need an emotional boost. It's hard for me to paint you like that, but if I don't hold onto these thoughts then I can't live with the situation too well.
Our separation was the definition of forced.
Although you moved across the country, we really couldn't leave each other alone. Even if I avoided talking to you or looking at your pictures, your face was always in my mind's eye. You truly haunted me. I'm sad to admit it, but to this day, not a day has passed that I haven't thought about you. I don't think you will ever understand how years ago when I said that I know we are the one for each other, it was so obvious to me that it might as well have been written down in a textbook, as an inarguable fact of the universe. I thought that nothing could change my mind but there was one thing that managed to do so.
That one thing is the fact that you didn't agree with me. I think on some level you could have known and you still didn't do anything about it, and that's almost worse. It got to the point that I was tired of being someone you were okay with losing. I was so sick of you admitting that no one will ever compare to me, just to continue letting me escape you. You never manned up. You have admitted that I'm the best you will ever have, yet I had to witness you settling.
I remember when you called me, unsure about being with her. I knew it was because you thought... maybe you were meant to be with me, but the fact you were even questioning it meant you still weren't ready for all that I have to offer. You weren't willing to put in the work to earn me, and if I fell for your words, I knew that I was about to be in for a huge disappointment. I had already been through enough heartbreak with you and I was done. For the first time, I honored myself and my worth. I went against everything I had wanted for so long and pushed you back to her. It tore me apart, but I also knew you didn't deserve me. I knew you could pretend that she's the one for you, put in a lot less work, and find happiness. If you couldn't see how special I was before, what would make this time any different? The man for me wouldn't make me pry them from the hands of someone else. Your lady is young and innocent like I was, and I'm not going to be the one that causes her to age quickly from heartbreak. It should've been obvious to you that there's a reason you keep running back to me. However I tried to spell it out to you years ago and you never listened, so now you have to learn the hard way. It's not my job to make you see that I'm the one that got away.
