I've always had a negative relationship with food. I grew up as a very picky eater, and really only started trying new things in college. Trying something new usually invokes a physical reaction, where my body tries to reject the food. I've also struggled for a long time with constant nausea, resulting in many vomiting sessions. In 2015, I decided to try to work on my diet and see if I could holistically resolve some of my health issues.

I started researching vegetarianism and found many people who self-reported amazing health benefits. I already wasn't consuming much meat and there were a lot of meat dishes that I didn't even like (meatloaf, hot dogs, fish, pork, etc), so eliminating it from my diet completely wasn't a big leap. Guilt was also a big reason for me giving it up. Since I don't really like meat, I don't always finish what's on my plate. I felt guilty for throwing away food, especially something that was once alive. The idea of mass consumption and how separated we are from where our food comes from was the final straw for me. I decided to delve into vegetarianism.

I started in August of 2015. I remember the last meat dish I ate was carne asada tacos. I started out as a bit of a pescatarian, eating only seafood, such as shrimp, as I transition. I tried educating myself on substitutions and sources of protein. I made different choices while shopping, trying to purchase more veggies. I learned a lot about reading the ingredient label, unfortunately, I know there were a few times that I slipped up and ate something that contained animal products. Gelatin, for one, was definitely a learning curve for me. It was also surprising for me to see some things that contained animal matter, such as a box of protein bars I bought once that turned out to contain fish. I also read over restaurant menus very intently to make sure I was making a good choice that was also vegetarian-friendly. I watched documentaries and read blogs and studies on vegetarianism. The things I learned only bolstered my determination, especially after watching videos about factory farming (I recommend watching Meathooked) and learning where our animal products actually come from.

There were some positives for me over the years. I expanded some of my food choices and learned to love mushrooms, avocados, and spinach. I had already liked tofu and so I ate a lot of it. I found several delicious vegetarian-friendly restaurants, such as Melanie's Food Fantasy and Living Kitchen. Plant-based food is delicious and there are a lot of great restaurants and recipes out there. I felt pride in my decision, most of the time, and felt like I was making some sort of positive impact.

Delicious vegetarian ramen from Tonbo - Paige Ryan

Unfortunately, there were downsides. I wasn't making the healthiest choices. As a picky eater, going vegetarian limited my options even more. Even though the idea was to consume more veggies and less processed foods, I still ended up loading up on carbs and cheese. Because of this, I rarely saw any actual health benefits, such as weight loss or digestive improvement. I also don't cook enough at home and eating out constantly did not help my goals. In early 2018, I started to really struggle. I always have to think about food, and it only got worse. Every day was a struggle trying to think of what I was going to eat. My doctor recommended cutting back on my sugar intake. But trying to do the keto diet as a vegetarian was very challenging. The stress was breaking my resolve and I was pretty miserable.

In summer 2018, after nearly three years, I made the decision to start eating meat again. It was like a weight coming off my shoulders. I'm starting to feel the guilt creep up on me again, but I don't think I will be going back anytime soon. Even though I have changed, I still am taking many lessons from those three years going forward. I still don't eat meat very often and often choose vegetarian dinners to cook at home or at restaurants. When I do eat meat, I keep my portion sizes small so I don't throw anything out. If I can't finish my plate, my boyfriend and roommate are more than happy to help. I also try to be more conscious about where I purchase meat from. I still use many plant-based substitutions, such as plant milk.

If you are considering going meat-free, now is a great time to do it. January is also Veganuary, a movement of people trying a vegan lifestyle for January. If you want to try it out, I recommend doing your research first and cook at home as much as you can. I may no longer be vegetarian, but I will always carry the lessons I learned during my three years of it to try to make better choices.