Now to my family and friends who are probably only reading this because I said I'm depressed. Calm down, I am not severely depressed or constantly depressed. I do not have any thoughts about hurting myself or being non-existent. I just stay in bed a little longer, listen to deeper songs, cry more when I'm frustrated, think about life a lot more and allow myself to be sad.
In high school, I got an IPA award from my favorite teacher on my attitude. He wrote "Thank You for always having a positive attitude even when you don't want to have one. You are always smiling and brush off negative issues. With an attitude like that, I am sure you will be able to do good things." First thank you, Mr. Haynes, for believing in me and always making the class so fun, even when you weren't trying. I fell in love with English and Literature because of you and I even started writing because of your guidance. A lot has happened since high-school, a lot of growth; mental, spiritual, emotional, and psychical (Thanks to pizza.) I grew up always being the happy kid. I disliked being sad. I still do but I allow it a lot more than I did. The number one thing I learned in high-school was it's okay to not be okay.
Growing up is hard. Living on your own is hard. Trying to figure out how to handle school and your future career is harder. Trying to live with someone who isn't one hundred percent is exhausting. Being 1,464 miles away from everyone/everything you know and your whole family is excruciating. Yet this is the life I choose to live, and it will be okay.
Life gives you happy phases and it gives you sad phases. I think this is the longest sad phase I have really been in. It's all about learning what makes you happy, remembering the challenges you've overcome to get here. Not dwelling on the worst of your situation but learning through it. I remember calling my best friend a few weeks ago just to cry and tell her that I was sad and I didn't know what was going on. There was nothing to be sad about but I was just feeling this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and worthlessness. She told me just to remember all the stuff we have already had to deal with and all the stuff that followed. She reminded me how strong I was and how it's totally rational for me to feel like this. Sometimes life makes you sad for no reason and you just have to live through it.
The thing is I never thought I would feel like this for a constant amount of time, but it has also helped. I see things a lot clearer now. Things that make me laugh, truly laugh. Things that make me happy temporarily, and over the course of a while. I see the things that hurt me, not just on the surface but deep down, and I've been able to work on it. I see the hurt in everyone else's eyes now, the lies, the pain. I also see the complete joy in the kids I nanny, and how just something as simple as us making funny faces at each other will make their whole day. I'm thankful for this time I get to be sad and I get to learn more about myself and others.
