When we stopped talking to eachother, I honestly did not know how much I would miss you. I knew my life would be a little different, but I did not understand how much of my life you were until I started living without you. Missing you is constant, it does not just come and go. Heat we had was as real as it gets, and I hope that we can fix whatever problems or obstacles we had and get back to us. Even though I smile and laugh and have a good old time outside with friends, that feeling of emptiness where you were and are supposed to be is still there. It is hard to not think of you even when I am enjoying my time outside with other people. Singapore is so small, and everything just reminds me of you. It is hard to say just how much I miss you, but easier to say what I miss.

We had some memories together when we were still talking, and it is so hard to just shove it away like as if nothing had happened. I knew and felt it very well that we had a great connection, and a very strong bond. It still sucks so much to me that I was not enough for you to stay and grow with me. It really sucks to feel like as if I was not entertaining enough for you.

The constant feeling of regret and the constant thought of you only wrenches my heart of its energy everyday, like wringing a towel until it is at its driest. Although just like a towel my heart gets drained, the energy of me missing you seems to never go away at all. I miss everything we had together and I will always keep it close to my heart no matter how long i have to feel this way.

Sometimes I convince myself really hard to let go, and move on, but my feelings do not allow me to. My feelings for you are still as strong as it was from the day I starting catching feelings for you. It feels so blissful but yet painful. The art of love is beautiful, the power of unrequited love is beautiful, but the sadness that comes with it isn’t.

We all can find beauty in everything. But I did not find beauty in not being able to let go. It really sucks that I am still holding on so tight knowing that you most probably do not give a single fuck at all. Sometimes I tell myself to swallow my pride and ego and text you something like "Hey, I know it’s random but how have you been?", but my heart stops me from doing it. What if I get ignored and left on read? But also what if we could pick up from where we left off? The dilemma is real, and its never going to stop.

The only way i can check up on how have you been is only through social media whenever I am too much of a chicken to ask. But it does not answer my questions all the time. Have you been eating well? Have you been resting well? Have you been happy? Have you been taking care of yourself well? Have you found a new hobby? Or perhaps a new conspiracy theory? Have you found a new girl that you would love with all your heart? I guess we'll never know, because I would never be able to muster up all the courage to ask your directly. I want to know everything about you, from the types of tea you like to your favourite cologne.

I always told myself that I would be there to listen to you and lend you a ear if I had the chance to, and I sincerely really want to. But what we had is gone, and I will never be able to pick myself up from this anymore.

I have always wondered how it would feel to be in your long and strong arms. Would I feel warm? Would I feel protected? Would I feel safe? Would I feel loved? And would you smell so pleasant that I would want to steal all your clothes? I guess I can stop wondering now because it will never happen.

I have also wondered how it would feel to have my hands intertwined with yours, with all our fingers alternately crossed over one another. I would never let go, even if our hands get sweaty. Because who knows if I would be able to hold it again.

There are many things between us that I would like to make happen, but sometimes the impossible is really impossible. I would give up everything just to make things right again. I would do anything to be in your presence again. I would shove everything away just to have a second with you again. Yes, even just a millisecond.

It feels so wrong yet so right to feel this kind of pain. Only pain makes me realise how much I wanted you in my life. Goddamn, I would have married you. I want to make memories with you and fall in love with you harder and harder as each day goes by.

Thank you for making me realise that I could love someone this much even if they did not love me back. It is beautiful.

Perhaps there is beauty in not being able to let go, like realising how much you are able to love.