Hey girl! It has been so long! I know that I used to bully you in high school and call you an ugly piece of shit back behind your back and, yes okay, to your face, but that's behind us!

How would you like to be your own boss? How would YOU like to be the CEO of a company that, yes, admittedly already has a CEO? How would YOU like to work from home, make your own hours, and, for your efforts, land a WEEKLY paycheck of 37 cents? Sound like something you're into?

Then girl, do I have an opportunity from you. For the low, low cost of $99, all of this can be yours. Sure, I understand at 37 cents a week it is going to take you like, the incubation period of a fetus to even break even on your initial investment, BUT, you can make more! It is just a matter of how many people in your life you're willing to ostracize and how many relationships you're willing to end!

Girl, let me tell you. These belly wraps/lipsticks/leggings/eyelashes/[insert anything you could literally just go to a retailer and purchase a cheaper and likely better product] will change your LIFE. Want to lose 10lbs fast? Don't eat healthier and exercise regularly! Just, um, *checks notes* wrap up your stomach and voila! It Works^TM!

Once you've wrapped yourself into a mummy or applied low-quality lipstick that stayed on for 44 minutes, you'll KNOW how life-changing these amazing products are and you simply won't be able to wait to send every friend, family member or distant acquaintances a direct message on Facebook full of exclamation points and weirdly-placed emojis.

Your Facebook page that was once a collection of memories and thoughts will now become a hub for shitty graphics made using a Canva template by someone who knows nothing about design, and clearly fake testaments about how your product keeps CHANGING. PEOPLE'S. LIVES. Because not having the right mascara was the squeaky wheel that needed the grease for these sad motherfuckers.

All of the comments on your posts will come from your other Facebook friends who meet the criteria for the Pyramid Trifecta: one part hot, popular and probably mean in high school, one part attended at least a semester of nursing school, and one part financially dependent on their significant other that they met in elementary school. "You go girl!" They tell you as you explain again how your patterned leggings will uproot everyone's life as they know it.

But besides these people, yeah, everyone else will just absolutely despise you. These are the people who know that "being your own boss" is bullshit and being charged actual money to begin your job is legally questionable at best. They will flaunt their "real jobs" where they sit at a real desk or sell items at a real store or change people's lives by operating on them or counseling them or teaching them.

Well, screw those corporate drones!

Why sit at a desk and make a set, fair salary when you could sit on your couch and post about protein shakes? Why follow your passion to help others through medicine or psychology or education when you could help them by matching them with their perfect blush?

Look, I know you keep thinking this is a "scheme." But it isn't! Would a scheme charge you money to work? Would a scheme require you to try and vehemently convince three other poor souls to sell shit products on social media? Would a scheme rake in $600-million company-wide while the sad downstream salespeople are getting weekly checks that are less than the postage it took to send them? Actually, yeah, maybe.

Anyway, look, I know that you have a steady job with a fair income and that if you needed fake eyelashes you'd probably just go to Sephora and buy some like everyone else, but if you'd like to spend more money, wait longer to receive the product, be more disappointed in said product AND support me, your high school acquaintance whose maiden name you can't even remember because I got married at 19 to a dude in the military and now we have eight children, then this product is for you!

And, again, for the low, low price of $500, you can get it on this too! It feels good to be your own boss!