I have always been the type of girl to feel alone even though she has all the right people in her corner. I am confident when I say I have one of the best families I could have ever been given. Though my close group of friends is a rather small one, they're pretty amazing too. I have a fiancé that I've been with for over three years that makes living fun, but despite everything I have, there are times I still feel really alone.
Sometimes I lie in bed at night and ask myself if anyone really knows me. It's not meant to be dramatic, but it's just a really underestimated question in today's world. Do people actually ever truly know you? There are so many assumptions made about my life or the way I live by people who are actually close to me that sometimes make me laugh. I say to myself a lot-"If they only knew." They spend all this time thinking they know me that they never really care to ask.
Maybe that's part my fault. Maybe I've gone the majority of my life keeping up a wall that only has a few peepholes throughout it. I guess part of me was hoping that others would find the need to break it down, but instead they continue on believing that they know all of me.
So yeah, I feel alone sometimes. Part of it, I believe is the way my mind works. I'll always expect more from people and even more from myself. I want to believe there are people in the world who are capable of knocking down every barrier I have that separates who I really am to the person I show others. I guess in order for that to be at all possible I have to learn to loosen my grips on the ropes holding the walls and let one or two down occasionally.
How do I get motivated to do that when no one expects I'm holding up anything to begin with though? I give myself so much credit when it comes to seeing others for what they really are. Despite the walls, I'm able to look past them to some of their darkest parts. I enjoy seeing others vulnerable because it gives me the courage to show some of it off myself.
I saw someone write once that if you're really in love then you would never feel alone, and I had to laugh. I think to really love; you have to feel vulnerable, afraid, and lonely sometimes. It's not this surreal, secure feeling every second you're together. It gets hard and sometimes it stays hard, but you manage to find a happy medium with it all.
Sometimes I put on a front of security. I think we all do. We want to show our most secure sides so no one ever sees us at a low point. It's a false exterior we keep trying to portray in hopes no one ever looks beyond that. Maybe I've gotten a little too good at that, and maybe I hope I have enough great people in my life to look beyond it.
Maybe all I'll ever be is hopeful for the impossible.
Or maybe, just maybe, there will come a day when all my walls are torn down and feeling "lonely" was just another feeling I can sweep under the rug, along with all my insecurities and vulnerability too.
I will always hope for that day.