I haven't had a panic attack in awhile and it really scared me. I was studying for my Human Anatomy & Physiology Lecture exam when it started. I don't know what started it, but I remember becoming so overwhelmed with doubt, fear, mistrust, and dishonest thoughts. It scared me.. I wanted to cry, I was so frustrated, why is this happening now?! I wanted to scream because I couldn't stop the overflow of thoughts and emotions flooding into my own head and body. I was just studying the cell cycle! Why do I feel like my whole world is coming down around me?!
It's no secret I've had some major life changes this past year. I moved cross country to be with my boyfriend of 6 months. It was challenging, we had to grow up and really learn how to communicate in a healthy way. Unfortunately the military and God doesn't always share your plans with you. My boyfriend got reassigned back to Korea for another year, so we had to make a plan. That plan was for me to move back home to the midwest to continue school. So over the past 4 months I've been transitioning from my life in Arizona to my new life in Indiana. Through this time I've been lacking in my faith. It's heartbreaking to admit...
I channeled my inner Tabitha (my amazing youth pastor and mentor,) and prayed but it wasn't enough. I had to do something quick before I was in complete shut down mode. I grabbed my headphones and put some worship music on. It wasn't even into the first verse and I was balling. Thirty minutes of tears and worship. I forgot how powerful just worshiping to God was. I laid it all out to Him. Again I apologize to my downstairs neighbors. When I first felt the warmth and peace of His presence I thought it was another lie. Another wave of tears and doubts. It has been so long since it was just me and God. Admitting that breaks my heart but it's true. The beautiful thing is that I've been questioning Him (that's not the beautiful part,) but when I needed Him most, he was right there. Like he has always been…
How do we deserve this love from Him?
The song I listened to on repeat after I had calmed down and was slightly procrastinating getting back to studying was. "You Say" by Lauren Diagle. Her chorus goes like-
"You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say that I am Yours"
I think there is so much power in that. Something a lot of people need to hear. There is so much hurt and brokenness that we just need to remember that we are strong, we are loved, we are His. I'm never over joyed when I have panic attacks but I know God used this one to my benefit. I will forever be grateful to worship and praise him.
