I don't hate children and I don't hate men. But I hate how they have always been expected of me. Ever since I was six when I found out what marriage was, I knew I didn't want to get married. I tried to visualize me in a wedding dress, walking down the aisle to "Here Comes The Bride" but I couldn't, I literally couldn't see myself doing that. I still cannot see myself getting married. To me, marriage feels like I'll lose my individuality. It feels like I'm going to be shackled, chained, trapped. That this one person will own me for the rest of my life and if I want to leave, there's a whole lot of money to be spent and a whole legal process to go through. The mere thought of that makes my skin crawl.
I also knew from a young age I did not want children. When I was young, I was given realistic dolls. You know, those dolls that simulate a real baby. Where you had to change its diaper, feed it and keep it from crying. I remember I used to play around with the dolls for a few days then stick them in my closet, never to be touched again. I remember being scolded about it, that I was neglecting my baby. But it wasn't real and I didn't even want it, I was bored with it. I have always had the responsibility of babysitting younger family members instead of being able to go out and play even though I'm not much older. It's always been my job to care for a child and I resented that.
Every time I express my utter disdain for marriage and children, I hear the same things. "You'll change your mind" "You just haven't found the right guy yet" "Who's going to take care of you when you're older" "You're young, you don't know what you're talking about" "You'll regret not having kids when you get old and lonely" No one ever bothers to learn about my hopes and dreams and career plans. But they sure do care whether I have a boyfriend and how many kids I want in a few years. I have dreams, I have hopes, I have desires, I have goals, I have plans. I have a purpose. I don't know what my purpose is exactly but I know that it isn't just to get married and pass on my genes.
