I had a conversation with you, that didn't involve fighting, for the first time this past week. It completely caught me off guard and sent me to a place that I'm not sure I've come back from yet.
What do you do when you don't recognize the person you used to know?
I tried asking you questions and giving you the opportunity to be heard. I tried to listen to you, what you wanted to say and talk about. But all throughout, I was so uncomfortable because I didn't even recognize the person that I was talking to. I think this is when I realized that I had to let you go.
You've told me for the longest time that you don't want to talk to me. I've taken it into me heart and I've recognized that we all need our own time to digest situations and information. We are not the same. But I won't tell you that I don't miss you. Every single day that passes, my heart is overcome by how much I miss talking to you and at least having you in my life.
Nothing hurts more than realizing that without having someone in your life for almost an entire year and a half, your lives begin functioning completely without the other. There is no longer that desire to call, text, or write. It's like starting a friendship from the beginning, but with someone who knows all the parts of you.
You were my inspiration, my guide, my hope.
Everything I did, I did for you. I thought every single morning about how you were doing in school, what colleges you wanted to go to, or what you were doing for fun outside of school. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't think about you at least once. But in the end, it's only hurting me.
As I think more and more about what our relationship was like, I know that there was more than one occasion when I could've been a better sister. I was never perfect. But I never realized that I wasn't ever worthy of your love, care, or even time of day. I was never worthy of you.
I guess because I don't know you, I have to let you go now. I am stuck in the life I am stuck in, with the thought of who you used to be; who we used to be. But this is all a "me" thing now.
This is a goodbye to you.
You're going to accomplish amazing things in your life. I hope that you never forget what you mean to me and how much I tried to get to know you again. Keep it close to your heart how much I loved you. And remember it always.
The sister you once knew and had