Growing up, I never used to question the emotions eroding my conscience. The demons that were creeping in my head, making me feel like I was better off dead. A blow to the head, a poke of a needle and the choke of a thread...
I led an illusion of lies all my life. Thinking I was okay, thinking I was alright. But I'm not, I'm not okay. But when you ask me I'll muster up the courage and say:
I'm fine...
8:00 AM, I hear a loud noise that disrupts my lucid dreams and with that, I get upset, although that seems extreme.
I turn over my phone and center it toward my face, to quiet the screaming helian, awaiting the notifications that seal my social fate.
I think about getting up but I don't. Fifteen, thirty, then forty-five minutes go by and I lay idle, a passenger to my bed, a prisoner to my mind.
I don't think I understood it until recently but not only am I a convict to my work and a passenger to my bed, but I am a slave to my mind.
On the outside, I used to have the ability to separate my outer appearance from the complexities that crowd my brain. But, now more than ever, my feelings are shedding through my body and I am cracking under the pressure of the world...I'm about to break...
I can no longer keep it together. I am dying inside and crying and lying and trying to continue surviving...but it's hard.
It's hard to accept that I am more fragile than I could have ever imagined.
My face, my body, my heart, my mind, I look to them and they listen to me cry.
The hot, acidic tears continue seeping down my face, I freeze in my place, I feel disgusted, a disgrace.
I look in the mirror, a glass reflection of who I truly am. I want to love myself, but it's hard, I can't.
I have support in every one of my corners, but every morning, noon and night, I'm bursting into hellacious tears, it's like I'm being tortured.
A lifelong prisoner to my mind, but, then again I'll play the part, I'll sit back and rewind, take a look at the time and convince you that I'm fine...
One day, one glorious day, I'll run out of tears and that will be the day I accept my fears.
I know that I have issues, complications, and problems and I need to work on a plan, a road map to solve them.
But it's hard and I'm not there yet...but look...please don't fret
Like I said, I'm fine...
