April 13, 2017
The question of, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Is a frequent one young children hear. I could never give a good answer to that question because I was constantly changing my mind, but now, at 17 years old, I think I can.
I just want to be enough.
It's confusing and contradicting when someone tells you the words, "you are enough," yet constantly makes you feel like you aren't. Everything scattered around me would fall into place if I was able to accomplish my desire of being the version of myself that everyone important to me wants me to be.
I'm sorry that I am not smart enough. I'm sorry that I am not funny enough.
I'm sorry that I am not pretty enough. I'm sorry that I do not care enough.
I am sorry that I am not good enough, and I am sorry that I am not living up to your expectations.
I wish, God, I wish that I was enough. I wish that I was enough to fill each and everyone of you up, but alas, I'm not.
After 17 years of leaving you all empty, I have come to the conclusion that I am not the one that is capable of being the girl you want me to be,
and I'm sorry.
-
October 31, 2018
As I look back at the excerpt that the girl who wanted to please everyone wrote, all I can feel is so terribly sorry for her.
Who convinced her that she was not smart enough or funny enough?
Who made her think that she was not pretty enough, or that her heart was not big enough?
Who, God forbid, allowed that strong, able, fighter of a girl to think she simply was not enough?
A number of factors tore her down piece by piece, but that's not the point.
The point is that she rose from the ashes. She rose from the shambles of her life and began to rebuild those pieces into something she loved. Thankfully, she realized her worth.
I am happy because I know that I am enough for myself. I am enough, and I will always be enough. Anyone who can't take me as I am will be shown the door.
I am smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, and I care enough.
I can only dream of a world where younger versions of myself are brought up thinking that what they can give is enough, and that is just fine.
I have grown so much in such a short amount of time because of the experiences that I have gone through. You will too, but you have to let in all the emotions that come with those experiences. You have to see for yourself that you are plentiful just as you are despite what you have gone through. Your experiences can only define you if you let them. I am the girl that I want to be, and she's pretty damn amazing.
To the parent that is trying their hardest to give their child a good, stable life; to the teenager that is struggling to balance school, work, and relationships; to the friend who is finding it hard to see the light; to you: you are enough just as you are. Do not spend so much of your life trying to fill other people up that you forget to fill yourself. Don't forget to bloom.
Do not give anyone the power to steal your happiness. It's not theirs for the taking. Nobody is entitled to happiness. You have to fight for it. You have to fight in this life. You might have to take it kicking and screaming, but take it. Grab it and embrace every single ounce of emotion that it brings to you. Feel it all. Feel the good, the bad, and the ugly. It won't last forever, and it'll help you grow. All feelings are fleeting; including happiness.
Feel and love it when it comes to you, and chase it when it leaves you. That's your responsibility. Do not rely on others for your happiness. Do not rely on others to make you feel full; do not rely on someone to make you feel like you're good enough. The moment that you acknowledge that you are radiant, and that you have an abundant amount of beautiful qualities to share with the world is when you'll feel it. You'll feel enough, and nobody will have to tell you that you are. You'll just know.
Are you who you want to be?
I am enough.
You are enough.
We are enough.
