As humans, one of our defining traits is our ability to feel and communicate emotion. With this comes a lot of implications, many of which can easily wear on any kind of relationship. Emotions are complicated things that easily alter the meaning of the words someone says, which makes electronic correspondence even harder because there is something lost in not being able to hear the words coming from someone’s mouth.
With such a range of emotions available to us, even when the words are spoken to your face, it is so easy to misconstrue the feelings behind them. Tired can come off as passive-aggressive, or nervous can come off as agitated.
For people to understand feelings, we often have to come right out and announce them.
That’s why, often, you have to directly come out and tell someone that their behavior or their words have hurt you. It’s good to go beyond “You hurt my feelings,” especially when continuing the sentence with “when…” Not only does this convey to the person in question what they have done, but it also makes them aware of the particular behavior that they should not repeat.
Saying these words can be hard, but releasing them will take a weight off your chest because sharing with other people makes you feel more valid.
The most difficult part, though, isn’t saying that someone has hurt you, but gauging the person in question’s reaction to being told this news. Reactions can vary from person to person, especially depending on their understanding and awareness of feelings.
Some people will be fine with being told this and genuinely apologize. If they’re really emotionally aware, or even if they just really care about you, they will make an attempt to eliminate this behavior that has caused this rift in your relationship, regardless of how large or small it turns out to be.
Unfortunately, not all people respond in such a healthy way. Some will take this admission of negative feelings as an attack against them and their behaviors. They will lash out, and even this can come in varying degrees.
Some will simply tell you to stop and act with a physical and internal tension the seems to communicate that you hurt and angered them by simply by making them aware of how they have made you feel. Others will lash out, yelling and getting angry.
Either way, the intentions of these people is to quiet your complaints, to make their trespasses against you feel as though they are every day and completely normal.
When you tell someone that they have hurt your feelings, no matter what they have done to make you feel that way, note their reactions. Remember them. Think of what this means about your relationship, and whether you should keep this person in your life or not. This is only healthy, because your feelings matter.
And, no matter which side of this interaction you are on, remember this: you can say that you did not mean to hurt someone, but you still hurt them, and this can not be taken back. You can only move forward in the relationship.
