I am sure that, by now, you are all thoroughly amazed by the quality content I am producing for Odyssey. Because I understand that not everybody can be as talented as me, I decided to bestow upon you the greatest gift I can give: instructions on how to write an article just like me. That's right, now you too can be a journalistic genius of my caliber! Just follow these simple steps, and your articles are sure to go viral every time.
1. Procrastinate.
Now I know what you're thinking: "Isn't procrastinating the opposite of what I should be doing?" You poor naive soul, you're lucky I got to you in time. Procrastinating is the most crucial step in my Writing Process. You see, in order to keep your creativity at peak performance, you must make sure it has lots of rest. Overworked creativity is the cause of such infamous literary failures as Hamlet and The Great Gatsby. Had those authors allowed their minds to idle instead of wasting all that time planning their works, those stories might have had a shot at success. Do not be a Shakespeare or a Fitzgerald. Be like me. Procrastinate. For optimal performance, do not even think about what you're supposed to be writing until the night before it must be submitted.
2. Pick a topic people care about.
Topics like current events and problems we all have are so overdone. You want to go viral? Talk about the social habits of water buffalo, or the reasons that bologna is the perfect food. Relatable topics like these apply to everybody's lives, and ensure an article that will appeal to a global audience.
3. Write in a way that everyone can understand.
The beauty of the English language is that it's so easy to learn and understand. There are almost no confusing nuances or arbitrary rules to make things labyrinthine. This being said, it's important to write as incontrovertibly as possible, to ensure that the largest amount of people can comprehend your message. One of the easiest ways to achieve this is to write bombastically. Use the most gelastically gargantuan words possible, in order to convey your exact meaning.
4. Submit.
Now that you've completed your journalistic masterpiece, you are supposed to submit it right away. At least, they say you're supposed to submit it right away. But are you really going to listen to those so-called experts? Do you really think they know what they're talking about? No, you're going to listen to me. The proper way to submit your article is to wait until the last possible second before clicking send. That way, your editors do not have time to mess with what is clearly already a work of absolute perfection. Who says editing makes a written work better? I've never heard anypne say that.
And, sadly, you have now reached the conclusion of this scintillating tour through my critically acclaimed fail proof Writing Process. I know, it's hard to tear yourself away, but don't cry for me Argentina. Think of all you've learned from this! Now you can write articles as good as I do. Well, almost. Nobody is as good at writing as me. Nobody.
