It can be incredibly difficult to be a proper writer in this day and age, is it not? After all, any damn fool can type a string of words inter cut with punctuation and call it an article or something like that, whether or not it makes any sense, and still attract attention and/or success regardless if there is a reason for it or not. After all, those snobs in both the publishing industry and Hollywood ignored how successful the Twilight franchise would turn out to be, much to their detriment.
The fact of the matter is that we live in a digital world, and clickbait rules over us all with a crown made of iron pyrite, embedded with gems arranged to resemble Pepe the Frog. And so, dear reader (considering that you have both writing skills and an instinct towards self-preservation), you are wondering how you too can get a piece of the action. Especially if you have integrated your blog with social media, since anyone with a laptop and a Messiah complex can write a blog. As it is, here are some helpful hints to get you on that path to online success at the expense of your integrity:
Make your headline as vague as possible: After all, you don't want to leave the reader thinking that they read everything they need to know and moving on. You want to offer them a little sample, a little something that will draw them in. Once you do just that, keep giving them enough that not only will they be hooked, but hooked enough to keep coming back for more and more.
Assume that your audience has a conservative mentality: This type of thing has less to do with politics than it has to do with human nature (ok, it has everything to do with politics. People like to hold on to their traditions and often have a rose-tinted view of thepast, even when that past involved ancestors who died from rickets at 25. The success of Fox news in ratings has proven this to be a bona fide fact. So, borrow their style of reporting - write the types of articles about how BLM and ISIS are teaming up to go into your upper-middle class neighborhoods to turn it into living N.W.A. music videos.
If you don't want to go political, go the vapid route: People are not fond of politics these days, which is like all of the other days since the inception of mass media. So do what they call "human interest" stories, even though most "real journalists" consider it to be pablum that is beneath their dignity. Or better yet, go the Buzzfeed route and populate your posts with tons of GIFs, like the two shown above and the one below.
...See? Now you're curious about the GIF below. Clickbait!
And finally, if people complain, never admit fault of any kind. In fact, double down on your claims: After all, Donald Trump did exactly that, and look at how far it got him. Sure, there are those self-righteous eggheads who doubt your claims - or worse - call you a liar (GAAAAAAAAASP!). Of course, if you have done everything right by this point, your regular readers will go after them immediately with a song in their heart. Encourage them, as that will draw more attention and clicks. The main way to do this will be to depict your critics as ridiculous straw men and mock them until the cows come home. Here's the GIF below as a nice visual aid for how it should go down.
So that's everything you need to do to create the perfect clickbait. The only thing to do now is to completely disregard everything that has been said. Because if you don't, it means that you are a terrible human being that will represent nothing.
You will mean nothing.
You will be nothing.
