Now before you read any further, you’d probably like to see my credentials. Hi, I’m an average teenage girl…so basically I’m an expert at taking selfies. It’s been brought to my attention that a lot of people are taking selfies incorrectly. So whether you want those likes on insta or you’re just looking for that perf prof pic, here are the steps on how to take a perfect selfie.
Step 1: Be a girl
The first thing you should do is figure out if you’re a guy or a girl. If you’re holding that front camera up to your face and you realize you’re a guy, please put the phone down and move on. I would recommend spending your time on something else like being funny or making money. Leave the visual value to the ladies! But make sure you stick around and wait for us to post our selfies so you can like them and make us overthink your opinions on us.
Step 2: Find that perf outfit
Now that we’ve got those guys out of here, lets talk clothes! Now remember: a selfie is taken by you on your device. So it’s very unlikely that your entire body will be in the picture. That being said, I would recommend wearing a crop top with the caption “GNO!” while you’re actually in your underwear on your couch watching Grey’s Anatomy. You could also wear a bikini top with the caption “Beach Day!” while your actually in sweatpants eating a tub of ice cream on your kitchen floor. Basically, only the top matters to the bottom can be whatever you want!
Step 3: The angle
This step is super important for taking the perfect selfie because, like I said, the picture is only going to include whatever you can fit in the shot from the device you’re holding. You definitely want to make sure to include your outfit because you spent a lot of time picking out your top in step 2. Honestly, don’t even worry about getting all the parts of your face in. Maybe just one eye, or even a nose or your lips should be fine. Also make sure you hold the phone or camera above you. If you hold it below you’ll probably discover that you have more than one chin…I’m not kidding; try it.
Step 4: The filter
I don’t know about any of you but I’m terrible at editing. So I send every picture I’m considering posting to my sister who actually knows what the heck she’s doing. When she sends the picture back, I look way better. She fixes the lighting, the red eye, the acne, the double chins I mentioned earlier. This can all be taken away. However, there are many other apps that you can download to help you look completely unrecognizable and nothing like yourself. That way, you can follow the guidelines set out for you by society. I mean: what’s the point of posting a selfie if you actually appreciate yourself for who you are, right?
Step 5: GET THE LIKES
This is the most important step because this helps you get affirmation from a bunch of people on the internet (who you barely know or care about) that you have a purpose. So make sure to send texts, snapchats, tweets, and carrier pigeons to everyone who follows you on Instagram to make sure that they double tap that pic. Knock on the neighbors’ doors! Post a billboard on the highway! It will all be worth it.
Step 6: Delete it
This is the step when the selfie has been up for a few hours and you’ve stared at it for WAY too long. It is at this step that you realize you hate this selfie and the top you’re wearing and the way your hair looks. Also your nose is weird and your eyeliner is uneven and you can see the sink in the background of your kitchen when you said you were going to the beach. So you delete it at once and never speak of it again. If anyone asks you about it, make sure you let them know how embarrassing it was…but let’s face it: no one actually cares.
