We all know when one of our friends is about to talk about someone else without them being present. Sometimes, the conversation is harmless and no one is being painted in a negative light. Other times, you can find yourself either dishing out or assaulted with energy-sucking gossip. Before the person you’re conversing with even verbalizes their complaint, their non-verbal cues are giving their intent away. They move in closer, the volume of their voice significantly decreases, their eyes shift around to assess the environment, and they don a distinctly conspiratorial aura. The tea is about to be spilled.
If you are reading this, know that I don’t assume you hate gossip as much as I do. You should. Gossip is encouraged by social media, radio, and TV personalities. People even make a living out of gossip these days, but they don’t have a life. The mental visual I have for gossip is a turd swirling around inside a toilet bowl, but never going down. All crap-talking with no resolution. When you gossip, you often take a negative situation and perpetuate it unnecessarily, contaminating other spaces with information that should have never left the isolation of the people, place, and event directly involved. When you allow people to gossip around you, you become a dump, allowing someone to darken your mood and alter your perception of a person you may not even know. Gossip is hurtful to the subject of your gossip. It’s negative all around.
However, I believe there is a healthy way to vent about situations that cause you stress, even when they involve other people. Here are some boundaries that will help keep the conversation respectful for the vent-or, the vent-ee, and the person(s) being discussed:
1. Stay Neutral
You love your friends, but you cannot always accommodate their social crises as the risk of your emotional balance. In fact, remaining somewhat of an island of neutrality enables them to express their emotions while trusting you to stay unbiased and level-headed. Someone once advised a friend of mine not to use the name of the person being discussed, so that she didn’t unconsciously adopt a negative view of a stranger. Oftentimes, people speak rashly about a person when they are hurt or angry, but they return to a pleasant disposition when the situation blows over. However, the person who received the complaints retains all the negative emotional byproduct long after this disagreement subsides. That should be prevented. And check your motive, too. If your desire is not to alleviate your mental state, but to ruin someone’s name, then it’d be better not to say anything.
2. Imagine Their Presence
The role of a confidant entails the ability to keep secrets, but a great mechanism for keeping conversations clean is to imagine the subject of discussion is with you. Imagine that your goal is not to offend them, but to constructively talk through the actions you find hurtful in order to resolve the issue. This doesn’t mean you can’t be transparent and vulnerable, but it does mean you have to be thoughtful and respectful despite how offended you may feel. Words are powerful and your ability to speak life into a situation that may otherwise lack hope should be taken advantage of. You’d be surprised how quickly a social flare up can disappear when you deprive it of negative energy and attention.
3. Maintain The Power In Your Words
Have you ever heard of “I” and “you” statements? For example, saying “I felt angry when you…” versus saying “You made me angry when you…” Semantically speaking, these sentences may seem pretty similar, but they leave completely different impacts. “I” statements sound less accusatory to the listener, but they actually do a more important service to the speaker. “I” statements affirm the speaker’s autonomy as the sole manager of his or her thoughts, emotions, and choices. When you confess that someone made you act a certain way, it relinquishes the responsibility you have to operate independently of the influence of your peers. Do you want to reduce your emotions and decisions to mere reactions to other people, rather than genuine gestures that flow from the abundance of your heart? I don’t. I want my actions to be authentic to my values and the disposition of my heart all the time.
When you think about it, refraining from gossip is not simply about placing restrictions on yourself. It’s more about empowering yourself and your peers to walk positively. Talking about people with respect also enables them move forward without the baggage of your judgment stunting their growth.
