'Tis the season to be jolly. But when you're invited to a Christmas party, you know you should be prepared for the worst. And while John McClane was surprised by the terror that could be Christmas parties, we have a chance to learn from his misfortunes. From sliding down elevator shafts to crawling through air vents, McClane teaches us how to survive the worst of Yule balls.
1. Bring snacks
"The food will be ready in five minutes everybody," said Sally a half hour ago. Things happen, turkeys get burnt, but not you. Bring plenty of portable snacks to ensure you don't have to die hungry.
2. Wear comfortable shoes
It's a Christmas party. People love chatting while standing, but love to sit even more, so assume that there won't be any seats left when you get there fashionably late. Wear something comfy, yet proper, like loafers. No open toed glass slippers, though.
3. Keep a friend on the line
If you're the introverted type, chances are you know only one person there and they're too busy being popular, so make sure your one and only other friend is free that day so you can text them in the corner of the room.
4. Greet the latecomers
If you're the host and have been making RSVP lists up the wazoo and planning this damn party for months beforehand, don't let latecomers get you down. Greet them with guilt and passive aggressiveness.
5. Know your languages
We all know the foreign friend who is a friend of a friend who went to Germany that one time. Don't sound like an ignorant fool, read up on some youtube videos of German 101. Udachi! Wait. . .
6. Don't negotiate
When a group of twenty or more people come together in an enclosed area, there are bound to be heads clashing, so stay classy and leave with your dignity intact. Do not negotiate with tyrannical idealists. And don't call them "bubby."
7. Stay positive
When the party drags on too long, but your only ride is still running on rum and eggnog, try to settle in somewhere quiet and think happy thoughts. Woosah, woosah.
8. Don't panic
If you lost your favorite sweater, threw up in the eggnog, didn't get what you want for Christmas, and nothing seems to be going well, in general, the worst thing to do is panic. Try baking some cookies or taking a nap for several long years.
9. Be well read
There's bound to be an intellectual at the party, whether you like it or not. Read up on current events in the Times or Post so you won't loose a game of "Did you know" to the wiseass partier. Stay well informed, my friends.
10. Practice your acting
You might have that one person you don't like. Or several. But you don't have to suffer them so obviously. Brush up on your acting skills to get through the night without an unnecessary argument. Plus they won't suspect you when you spread rumors about their skank breath.
11. Don't lose at trivia
Worse than saying something stupid to someone is saying something stupid to a team of people. In this case, Wikipedia is your best friend, so leave that tab open on your phone for quick bio lookups. And don't pull a Steve Harvey.
12. Have a catchphrase
If you really want people to remember you, keep a catch phrase in mind that speaks to your character and not your nocturnal habits. You'll be the hype of the party. And no, you cannot use "yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker" for the family Christmas dinner.
Hopefully, these tips will get you through whatever holiday event you or others have planned. If not, then may Saint Nick have mercy on your soul.
