Stealing someone's heart can be a difficult task to accomplish. It takes time, effort, patience, and a bit of skill in the art of seduction. You may have tried in the past to steal someone's heart and failed miserably. But do not fret. I am here to help you learn the secrets to a successful heart stealing! Follow these seven steps and you will have a heart in just one night.

Step 1:

Dress to impress. You’ve got to find a man tonight, and nobody is going to let you steal their heart if you look like a slob. Throw those sweatpants back in your drawer, put on a shirt without a mustard stain from lunch, and slip into those cute shoes you just bought last week. When you look in the mirror, you should feel like whistling at your reflection and complimenting your cute butt.

Step 2:

Find a heart. Go to a crowded place where social interaction is accepted and expected. Like a bar, for instance, or a festival if there is one around. Use your eyes and scan the crowds. Search for a guy who looks like he has a healthy heart, one you wouldn’t mind stealing eventually tonight. Signs of a healthy heart are physical fitness, healthy weight, and lots of energy, to name a few. You also need to find someone who looks willing to be romantic, or at least have a one night stand that eventually turns into you stealing his heart because of how smooth you are. You are going to have to convince him to go back to your place, so chose someone who looks a bit gullible or desperate for your attention. Find your target and lock in.

Step 3:

Entice the owner of the heart. People aren’t so willing to just give away their hearts to any stranger who comes up asking for it. You have to earn their trust, seduce them into breaking down their social barriers and open up to you. This is where your prepared attractiveness comes in to play. Bat those eyelashes, twirl your hair, laugh at his jokes, sneak in some playful shoves and hand touches and you should have the owner wrapped around your finger in no time.

Step 4:

Convince owner to go back to your place. After all that flirting and seducing, it’s time to bring him home. Privacy is important when stealing someone’s heart. There are just too many distractions and witnesses in a public place. If you choose your target correctly, then this shouldn’t be a hard step to accomplish. Make sure you get him into your home though, preferably away from the door so he can’t run away in case things don’t go as planned.

Step 5:

When he is distracted by the upside down cross hanging on your wall, sneak up behind him while taking out the knife hidden in your pocket and slice the back of his knees. When he falls to the ground screaming in pain and surprise, silence him by stabbing them in the jugular. You wouldn’t want the neighbors to get worried about you.

Step 6:

After he is unable to fight back, go retrieve the oscillating saw from your closet. This is best for cutting into the sternum. You will want to cut down the middle of the chest, about 7 to 10 inches long. Since you aren’t trying to keep the victim alive, don’t worry too much about the cutting, just make sure the heart is not touched. Pull back the sternum to open up a space and cut the heart out. As long as you do not damage the heart in this process, feel free to cut however you see fit. Try to cut the veins and arteries around it and leave the plump red organ intact.

Step 7:

Triumph. Congratulations, you have stolen a heart! Whether you are using it to sell on the black market or to offer to Satan for eternal life, you now have a human heart that is yours to do with what you please.