This time of year seems to be a tragic, final battle of a losing war. The old is crumbling, with little promise of the new. School is ending, friends leaving. My closest scrapes with death happen in December. Three years ago, I pulled into an intersection and was t-boned in the driver's side, 0-45, my fault. Last year, I stared down death, swallowing a palm full of extra-strength, sleep-aid pain killers, hoping it would be enough to kill the demons once and for all. But to my great dismay, it wasn't. Dawn came, sinister and cold. This year seems no different. Once again, I'm facing down that heavy weight, that crippling, soul crushing weight. It's a solemn thing, to stare down death and win, to walk among those who are unchanged by the encounter. For me, it was almost wrong. Last January, when the spring semester began, no one knew of the attempt. It was almost too much to look those I loved in the eye with the knowledge of what I've done. But here I am, one year later, headed down toward a similar fate.

So what do you do, after your square off with death? Do you sit down with the memory over a cup of coffee like a past lover? Do you throw yourself into the daily grind, grateful for the distraction? For me, I'd often find myself in bustling scenes, silent and contemplative, trying to recreate the moment without myself present. It's a sobering thought, trying to imagine what your life would be like without its main protagonist. For me, I had to write it out. Dance it out, sing it out, scream it out, I don't care what your preferred method of relieving that pressure is, but let it out. For me, that was the first step. Reaching out and explaining what I had done and what I was going through to trusted individuals was next. The important thing is to make yourself heard. Find someone who will wait out the storm with you. There's sites such as The Quiet Place you can turn to, or even the Suicide Hotline. I guarantee there is always someone out there to listen. If you can't find that person, I will be that person. Your life is sacred and precious, whether you think so or not. There are people here counting on you. You will never understand the impact you will create by removing yourself from the equation.

With that said, I understand the thought of others is sometimes the last thing on your mind during those times. That crippling weight is all you can think of, that gaping whole inside your chest, the void. So do it for yourself. Think of the places you dream of experiencing, the people you'll one day meet. Reach out to that trusted person and have them remind you when you find yourself forgetting or unable to imagine it for yourself. So please, if there's one person who needs you more than anything else in this world right now, it's yourself. Make sure to take care of yourself, because one day it'll all come together, even if that day isn't today. I can't prove it now, but I'll be here every day to remind you if you so need it. Reach out, and find the light.