I cannot count the number of times where I have had to let out an old stinker in the middle of class.

Personally, I find farting in public to be one of the most frightening, yet exhilarating actions that an individual can do. I mainly feel this way because there are so many outcomes that can occur from this, whether you focus on sound or smell.

Although flatulence is natural and we all have done it, there is still a high level of embarrassment that comes with it when it is acknowledged by a group of people. I do not understand as to why one is judged for tooting, especially if they cannot control it, yet I do admire the challenge that is brought forth by this: successfully passing gas in class without getting caught. In this article, I will provide my personal insight on this and try to help you, the reader, complete this goal. Let's get started.

Advice before the storm: do not eat too close before class

This may seem a bit obvious to some, but one way to help eliminate the possibility of stomach discomfort is not eating too close before class. As someone who has been plagued with a sensitive stomach, I always tend to avoid doing this. Yet in times of weakness, I am prone to eat a hardy meal before class and that is when all hell breaks lose. My stomach begins to hurt and all of a sudden, I feel gas building up and instantly regret my choice of eating. That does not mean you should never eat before class. I think it is best to eat a meal one to two hours before class starts, but no later than that. You do not want to be too hungry before class, or else you will not stay engaged.

1. Never sit directly in the front or back row

This is great to keep in mind if you start feeling gas building up before class. If your class does not have assigned seating, don't you dare take a seat in the front of back row. Think about it. If you let one rip in either of those rows and it is loud, there is no escape. If your classmates are able to tell the direct area it came from, there are far less possible culprits. You may be lucky and they could think it was someone next to you, but you are far more likely to get caught in this situation. Also, if you are in the back row, it is extremely intimidating when you see your entire class look at you in pure disgust, due to the vile act that you just committed. When in doubt, sit in the middle.

2. Blame someone else

This is exactly why you must sit in the middle. When you are seated in the middle, you have multiple people that you can throw under the bus or in this case, under the fart. Whether your gas is silent or packs volume, it is crucial to place this blame on someone once your classmates notice. Keep in mind, when it comes to farting, the blame game is war. Even if your only option is your best friend Fillmore, you must announce it was him and not you. If he drops you for this, he is not truly your best friend. No one deserves such a selfish friend like Fillmore.

3. Blame your shoes

To be honest, I’ve had moments where this actually was the case. My shoes have literally made fart sounds in the middle of class. For this third option to be a possibility, your fart will have to be heard by at least one person in the class. This may be the most effective way to save you from being deemed as “The Loud Farter” or “Sir Toots A lot.” If I am trying to falsely prove my innocence in these roaring moments, I tend to go with this option. It is the most believable and puts up the least amount of debate. If someone actually questions my sincerity with this, all I have to do is squeak my shoe. You should seriously try it.

4. Do not try the cough and fart

It never works. If I were to conduct an experiment to see the percentage of how successful people were trying it, no matter how many, I am confident that it would reach no higher than ten percent. I am realist when it comes to the mastery of hiding farts and honestly, this tactic makes me cringe. One cannot judge the sound level of he or she’s fart, so it is just pointless to even attempt. But, hey, you can try it. Maybe one day you can pull it off and I will be able to grow wings and fly myself to Italy. That would be rad.

5. Embrace it!

If you do not want to try any of these tactics, simply do your thing and take pride in your personal odor-ama! Heck, people may even admire your honesty and wish they had the courage to admit to it. In my opinion, a person who can do that displays confidence with themselves. They are probably great at parties and amazing people to have as friends. For you to truly embrace your fart, you have to accept the qualities that it possesses. Whether it is silent but deadly, or has a similar sound to the trombone, you will stand up and say, “I did it!” I personally like this one the best.

I truly hope that my advice will help you when you inevitably have to pass gas, in class.