Do you also have four finals this week? Are you struggling to fit all the dates for art history into your head? Does fiscal policy also confuse you? Well, with these 47 easy steps, you too can pass your finals.
Step 1: Wake up hungover. Or don’t. Up to you.
Step 2: Eat some breakfast.
Step 3: Fall asleep again.
Step 4: Watch the third "Lord of the Rings."
Step 5: Cry over Samwise and Frodo’s friendship; also, get really mad at Gollum because he’s being a shit.
Step 6: Leave your partner’s bed only to return to your own bed.
Step 7: Watch five episodes of "Cutthroat Kitchen."
Step 8: Fall in love with Alton Brown.
Step 9: Take a shower.
Step 10: Think about what to write an Odyssey article on.
Step 11: Leave the shower undecided as to what to write your article on.
Step 12: Lay around naked watching Documentary Now! for a while.
Step 13: Get dressed.
Step 14: Think about all the work you have.
Step 15: Eat some chocolate that your mother sent you. Thanks, mom.
Step 16: Fantasize about making a sandwich.
Step 17: Go to the dining hall and make that sandwich.
Step 19: Skip step 18.
Step 20: Eat that sandwich.
Step 21: Write an Odyssey article while simultaneously eating a pickle, chipotle mayo, and Swiss cheese sandwich.
Step 22: Congratulate yourself on multitasking.
Step 23: Walk to the library. But it’s raining. So run instead.
Step 24: Find a cubby on the third floor of the library.
Step 25: People watch for at least 30 minutes.
Step 26: Open up a book on whatever respective subject you need to study.
Step 27: Look at it for a few minutes, but don’t read it.
Step 28: OK, now you can read it.
Step 29: Realize that the author is stupid and you know more than they do.
Step 30: How did we get to 30 steps all ready? This is a really long-winded process.
Step 31: Open up quizlet.
Step 32: Study your little patootie off for a few hours.
Step 33: Get distracted by Henry Uhrik who tells you not to pick your nails. Or, if you don’t have a Henry Uhrik at your school find someone similar. I’m not going to describe him for you because you need to stop being lazy and do some research.
Step 34: Keep picking your nails.
Step 35: Stop studying to go to your friend’s play, or dance, or improv show. Whatever your respective friends do, go to it.
Step 36: Think about what happened to everyone else from Degrassi, other than Jimmy. Think about Spike, or Snake, or Shooter, or whatever that guy’s name was. What happened to him? And what’s his name?
Step 37: Have a tiny little existential crisis.
Step 38: Makeup a list of fake people you can name-drop.
Step 39: Also create a backstory to those famous people.
Step 40: Put on some PJs.
Step 41: Put a book under your pillow.
Step 42: Realize that all the knowledge you will ever need will diffuse into the book overnight.
Step 43: Wakeup and realize that didn’t happen.
Step 44: Go to the library and study until your brain melts.
Step 45: Go the tests.
Step 46: Take them.
Step 47: Pass them.
Yay, now you’re done.
