Guys are weird, right? I mean, girls might be “crazy” but guys are a truly different species. And because of that, we, as girls, have the amazing opportunity to master the art of, well, getting what we want. If it’s done right.
I wouldn’t say that girls are out to control guys. That is not what this is about. This is about strategic planning. Yes! Strategic planning for the future of your picket fence, yellow lab and 2.5 children. Too much? OK, maybe. But it doesn’t hurt to think about the means to the end. Or is it the beginning? This is crazy—let’s get started!
It’s no secret that when you’ve been with someone for long enough that you spend every weekend with them—plus a few weeknights sprinkled in between—you start donating your opinion to the important decisions. What to eat, what to wear and the location of the pending pool table for the dining room, er, game room. Don’t get me wrong, the surface has lent itself to countless games of beer pong and every once in a while some actual ping pong. But when your heart, mind and the interior design class you took in college decided that this space is truly a dining room, that is what you picture it to be. The good news is that once you give this enough time and accidental dining room eye-roll inside jokes, a light will shine into your world like a hallelujah choir of bright-eyed children on Christmas Eve. This being the moment he tells you that after eight months of a static pool table, he has decided that it might be more useful in a different location. Say, an actual game room. At this time you will agree with him without boast, allowing him to think this is his idea while internally high-fiving your inner badass strategic planning self.
Now, there will be a time when he decides that his bare-walled, manly house needs some sprucing up. “It needs to look like somebody lives here” he will say. Ladies, by all means, use this moment to strategically place unisex styled home decor you’ve picked up in the 60 percent off aisle at Hobby Lobby on the bathroom and kitchen walls. Preferably those light-up words that say things like “Cheers” and “Family.” Okay maybe not the family one, that would be a little crazy.
As I’ve mentioned before, we as girls are not trying to gain control, get what we want, tease, manipulate or frankly scare our men. We truly love them. And because we love them and want to give them the world, we offer to do nice things for them. Of course you want to clean the house while he’s away on a business trip and you offer to do a little laundry while he goes golfing. And while you are cleaning, conveniently enough, all of the tools by the back door, the stack of papers on the dresser and the endless amounts of God-knows-what on the bathroom sink find a happy little place in their rightful homes. This typically makes it easy to find the necessary items when needed, unless of course you’re the one that left them sitting out. Then you’re forced to ask, “babe, have you seen my pen?” And just like that, you’ve established residency over his clutter. Crazy easy, right?
Laundry is also a great way to weasel your way into residency. Did I say weasel? I meant "plan in a strategic way." When you offer to do laundry, sneak in a few of your items but maybe tag-team the folding and putting away of the clothes. This way, when he folds the clothes he has no choice but to automatically place them in your drawer, defining the success of the drawer-rule.
What is the drawer-rule you ask? It’s the drawer that holds all of the articles of clothing you’ve nonchalantly forgotten at his place over the last year. “Just toss them in an empty drawer,” you’ll say. “Just toss them in my drawer,” is what you’ll be thinking. Eventually you will have your own drawer and you’ll feel like a child with divorced parents who has two sets of everything. Because you left your white tank at his place but you really need to wear it when you’re getting ready for work at your place. Then again, I suppose two of everything isn’t horrible.
The final, and possibly most difficult task is that of the bedside manner. Literally speaking, choosing a “side” of the bed. Of course you both want the one with the best view of the TV, or the side with the table next to it, but establishing the good side of the bed is key. This, ladies, is a perk. Do not expect to guilt, con or pout your way into this position. You must—say it with me—strategically plan. There is a magical time for calling forever dibs on “your” side of the bed. This key timeframe falls within the two months between November 1 and December 25 when the Hallmark channel displays endless amounts of sappy, albeit romantic, Christmas movies. If you work your holiday magic right, you’ll be watching the "Mistletoe Miracle" on the side of the bed with the good TV view—and let’s face it, the bedside table too—while your man is peacefully snoring next to you. (Please note that while this plan is fail-proof, you’ll be putting in numerous hours of Sunday football on ESPN, listening to the vitality of his successful fantasy football team.)
So again I remind you, girls are not crazy. And when all of the items above are achieved, you will have successfully moved in with your boyfriend. You just don’t live there.