It's that time of year again! It's time for New Year's resolutions! Some people might also know it as the time of: "the list-of-things-that-will-never-happen," "the reason why I bought a journal," or "I honestly might as well burn this piece of paper."
Don't worry, though. This year, everything that you write down on that flimsy piece of paper will happen. To guide you on your journey, I've composed a free walkthrough with stellar advice on how to make achievable New Year's resolutions.
1. Set the bar really, really low.
If you keep aspiring to new heights, you'll reach the stratosphere and shrivel up like the power-hungry monster you are. You need to remember to keep your ambitions very tame. Do you want to run a 5K by the end of July? Stop while you're ahead. Instead, aspire to be able to get out of bed and walk to your living room couch. You do that every day. We're already off to a good start.
2. Write down the opposite of what you want.
One could say that this is similar to my first suggestion, and it is. It's a little bit more science-based, though. There's this nifty trick that witches used during the Medieval Times to trick other people into doing what they want. It's an ancient art form called "reverse psychology." Those little pranksters forced people to drink some sort of elixir with a high alcoholic content, making their victims vulnerable to the power of suggestion. The first few witches sadly died after performing this ritual because they were not aware that they had to command the opposite of what they meant.
You win either way because you either accomplish your written resolution, or you do what you actually wanted to do. It's a reverse catch-22.
3. Think about other people.
Alright, it's time to get a little cheesy. When you think about the people around you, don't you get a warm fuzzy feeling? It's time to give back to the community. Instead of accomplishing the things that you want to do, you should persuade others to accomplish the things you want to do. Do you want to win the Annual Elementary School Spelling Bee? Assuming you're still in elementary school, just ask the smartest kid in your grade to win it for you. If you pick wisely, you shouldn't have to help them at all.
4. Remind yourself what's important.
I'm not talking about big things like "family" or "success." Just write down a reminder of something low-maintenance that you were going to do before you even thought about making this list.
5. Keep it short.
Don't let this whole list-making thing weigh you down. I advise that you stop while you still have time and take a long break. After a two-day nap, find a place to hide your list. Do you have no hiding places? You have a hard life ahead of you. First, you have to find a DIY project of a papier-mâché acorn. Perform all of the steps, but remember to integrate your New Year's Resolution list into your acorn. Then, drive by an area with a lot of forestation and throw your acorn in its direction. Chances are good that a squirrel will pick up your piece and hoard it for the winter.
This is my list.
I hope that you guys really think about what I've said while making your list. Please share all of your resolutions with me! I won't read any of them!
