I have had severe anxiety since my junior year of high school. My palms got sweaty, I feel my heart and I cannot breathe. The panic attacks are even worse. My body shakes, I sweat like crazy and the tears do not stop flowing. The anxiety had a trigger but I cannot pinpoint what it was, that was my problem. As my anxiety began to show everyone would ask me why I feel this way? What causes me to feel this way? Like I had any clue why my heart felt weak evertime I pulled up to a party or spoke to someone I didn't know.

I was social, happy and well rounded. There was no way someone like me could have anxiety but behind my appearance was someone who felt broken beyond belief. My mind took every situation and brought the worst possibility and another ten more forward. Any eye contact I made with someone felt like I was at heavens gates and God was deciding wether I would live in eternal happiness or suffering forever. I gave every person the ability to make or break me when really it didn't matter;I was already broken.

My parents did not understand. To this day they have never seen me have a panic attack and they never will. I choose not to put my parents through that. They worry about me enough, they do not need to see me worrying about every fiber of my being. It may be a generational thing why they do not understand. Any mental illness was not spoken about until recently. Our generation has shead light on the idea that mental illnesses needs to be treated like physical ones. I accept that this is a new way of life and that may parents may be past that point. Which is ok with me, they love me and protect me in other ways. In this one area of my life I might need to be alone so I can learn how to cope on my own.

Few people have seen me have a panic attack and 98% of the time I choose those people. I pick who gets to see me break down to nothing and try to help me pick up the pieces. The other 2% of the time I cannot control it. I can usually feel the attack coming on but other times it cannot be pushed down. The first time my now boyfriend saw me have a panic attack we weren't even dating, we were just friends but I trusted him. He held me in his arms as I shook like a tiny dog. Though even in the arms of someone so close to me I felt alone and I felt like I was a burden to him.

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 10 months and we never really fight. The anxiety comes because I fear the possibility of a fight. Any problem we have I immediately jump to the idea that he will break up with me. My insecurities with relationships steam from a toxic one I had in high school, that I know is a trigger. Now my boyfriend is a great guy and I know he would never break up with me over a fight but my mind sees the worst possibility. I know that every relationship has ups and downs but the downs are what have kept me from really being in love and being in a real relationship.

My anxiety has kept me from being the old me. The me who would dance in the middle of Faneuil Hall in front of many people, the girl who made a fool of herself at every high school football game cheering so loud and the girl who dressed/looked however she wanted without a care in the world. I use to be carefree and confident in who I was. Then one day that switch went off and I can feel every eye on me, judging every inch of me or every movement I make. The reality however is that all of this is in my head I created this world of judgement and fear. Why? I have no idea but I have to live with it and the fact that people will never understand.

Over the past view years I learned to cop with my anxiety. The tactics of breathing, talking and being with the people I love have saved me from my own mind. The fear of everything has been subdued because even though I have weak moments that does not make me weak or anyone else with anxiety. Nobody is weak if they have anxiety they are just showing the fears we all have because they are strong enough to feel vulnerable. Coping with my anxiety has made me stronger than I have ever been. I may not be the same person I was before that flipped switched but I am better even with the fear.